But jokes

Farmer's Wife: Honey, where are the cows?

Farmer: Up in the mountains grazing.

Farmer's Wife: Why?

Farmer: I don't know, but the steaks have never been higher.

I was Gandalf the Grey.

But now, after just three washes...

Michael Jackson was once a guitar teacher, but he got fired because he fingered a minor.

I would say fly high to Kobe, but obviously he didn't...

Three blonde sisters die and are told by an angel that in order for them to go to heaven they have to pass all 100 steps. But each step has a joke, each joke gets funnier and funnier. And in order to pass them all, you can't laugh at any joke or else you go to hell. The blonde girls accept the offer.

So the angel begins telling them the jokes. One of the girls laughs at the 3rd step. The second blonde laughs halfway there. Finally, the last blonde was at the 100th step. The angel said, "This is the last step. If you laugh you will go straight to hell with your sisters and if you don't you can pass." The blonde agrees and the angel starts to tell the joke, "What do you ca..." Out of nowhere the blonde starts bursting out laughing. "Why are you laughing? I haven't even finished the joke yet!" The blonde replies, "I just got the first joke!"

And there's the referee taking down Ronaldo's number.

Not really the time or the place, but it's good to see that we've kept homophobia out of football.

If I eat a poisonous potato, it attacks my immune system and I die.

But if I poison a poisonous potato, then eat it, then I won't die because the potato is already dead and can't attack my immune system.

Let's say I was immortal. No matter what I did, I would be alive. But, the catch is I’m the least flexible and least strong person in the world.

Now, I get my head chopped off. What would I do? I would roll over to my headless body and figure out what it's like to suck my own dick.

My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.

You know how you mine and craft in Minecraft, and you chat in VR in VR Chat, but what do you do in Alabama?

Sometimes I feel ugly, but then I think of my sister and I feel better.

Sometimes I feel ugly, but then I think of my sister and feel better.

I almost got caught watching porn. My mom got the bill for the account, but luckily dad had my back. I mean, we do use the same account.

Nobody really liked our fireplace.

So I turned it into a brick pizza oven. Idk why, but now everyone likes our fireplace.

My ex misses me, but her aim is getting better.

How did Helen Keller lose her virginity?

I told her the plunger was stuck in the toilet, but she didn’t listen...

I asked my teacher if I needed to be in the special ED class, but she said I don’t eat enough vegetables.

Q: My dad woke up one morning about to go to work, but he was still really tired, so he decided the quickest way to wake him up was to slap him in the face.

So he asked me to do it, but I guess I don't know my own strength, and so he went back to sleep again...

If Red gets voted out, what happened?

Red is not voted out, Red is a hacker, so he kills Blue. OK, so someone found Blue's body. Red said, "Where?"

Lime, Green, and Purple said, "How is Red not dead?"

Red: "I am a hacker, you noobs!"

Lime, Green, and Purple run.

Red killed them all. Red is the win, but he is not the win.

Black killed Red. Black is the win.

LOL

Gf: Babe, do you love me?

Bf: Count the stars and that's how much I love you.

Gf: But it's morning, sweetie...

Bf: Exactly.

Gf: :0, I'll take that as a no.