But jokes

When you send her a dick pic, but then she sends you one right back...

A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."

I’m not saying you’re going bald, but you’ll find Waldo before you find your hairline.

My mom told me to take out the trash, but I couldn't find you.

What does it mean when a man has a dodgy past? It means he has skeletons in his closet.

What does it mean when a man likes Lana Del Rey better than Ed Sheeran? It means he has a closet full of women's leather pants (but no women in their dating history).

Roses are red, That much is true, But violets are purple, Not F***ing blue!

Science flies you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said, "You know you wanna." Jill said yes and lifted her dress so they could have some fun, but stupid Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.

I told my girlfriend that the world is flat.

She said, "but the world is round."

I said, babe, you are my world.

My mom told me it's not healthy to stay in my room all day... but the only places I'm allowed to go to are my room and downstairs.

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it... He's gay, definitely gay.

It ain't always easy having erectile dysfunction, but it sure as hell ain't hard.

I'd hit you, but I don't want to go to jail for animal abuse.

If you jump off a bridge while crying, it's suicide, but if you jump off a bridge while screaming "parkour," it's a failed stunt.

Wanna hear somethin' ironic?

When one cutter tells another cutter to stop, but he himself can't stop cutting.

I was excited my teacher asked me for sex in exchange for a good grade, but then I realized I was homeschooled.

A cop stopped a guy for speeding.

He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.

The cop said, "But there is no traffic."

And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."

I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.

Yeah, Asians have squinty eyes, but that's because they have had the displeasure of seeing so many ugly obese Americans in one place.

Chuck Norris would have died a couple of years ago, but death hasn't built up the courage to tell him.