How do you throw a surprise party at a hospital?

Bring a strobe light into the epilepsy ward.

What do you call you’re daughter’s boyfriend when he brings her back past 10pm?

An ambulance

If I was a party, then anxiety must be the cousin depression felt obligated to bring to the party and insomnia the little annoying sibling.

So I was mining off the coast of Canada and one of my co-workers found gold. I said AU, bring that over here!

Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar? - Because she heard the drinks were on the house.

Why was 6 afraid to go camping with 7?

Because 7 ONEted TWO bring THREE knives FOUR surFIVEal, but 6 secretly knew that 7 hEIGHTed him, and didn’t have beNINE inTENtions.

Read this out loud to yourself and it’ll make sense. ;)

Is Stephen hawking under warranty, if so can I bring him back to currys pc world?

3 europeans come to America. They all get captured by native americans and they want to kill them. But the europeans beg to have their lives spared. The native americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The native american says "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the native americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The native american tells him the same thing. He laughs and the native american kills him. They both see eachother in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy so thats why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, “Oh yea I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”

abortion, it really brings out the kid in you

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an exposition to the Amazon Forest. After a while they get lost. So as they are walking suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says "Hey, your in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren’t that crazy so we will let you choose how you die." The man from France said, "bring me the poison." The man from Britain said, "bring me the gun" And the man from New York said, "bring me a fork" The guy was confused with the fork but still brought it the items and gave it to them. The guy from France said, “for the France!” And drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, “long live the queen!” And shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said “MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS”

A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide, the librarian responds with ”fuck off you won’t bring it back!”

If you want to see my foes, bring a shovel and bring a map and a getaway car just in case we get caught.

A miscarriage always brings the child out in me.

You travel to the past into the era where julius caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?¨

You reply with: ¨Surrounded by friends¨

Why are fish 🐟 easy to measure?

Because they bring their own scales.

Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?" His mother replies, "The stork brings them." Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, “Then who fucks the stork?”

A man goes to the library to find the best book about committing suicide. So when he asks the librarian, “What’s the best book on committing suicide?” The librarian said, “Oh fuck off…you won’t bring it back anyway.”

i hate it when ever i bring a girl over my parents don’t care but when i bring one of my friends thats a boy there like KeEp ThE DoOr OpEn and im gay

Little Johnny asks, “Mommy, where do babies come from?” His mother replies, “The stork brings them.” Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, “Then who fucks the stork?”

Why did the girl 👧 bring lipstick 💄 to beauty school?

Because she had a make-up exam.

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