Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when I push my autistic brother down the stairs.
Yo mama is so ugly that your dad has to be drunk to bring her home.
How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
A: None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.
How many feminists does it take to fix a lightbulb?
9: one to screw the lightbulb, one to film it, one to post about it on a women empowerment social media page, one to complain that the man didn’t screw the lightbulb, one to say that women deserve to screw more lightbulbs, one to try to get #womenlightbulbscrewers trending on Twitter, one to bring a man and show him the screwing, one to say that women are better than men at screwing lightbulbs, and one to make a speech about the lightbulb.
A man asked for poison and another man gave it to him. The first man took a sip and said, "hmmm, this tastes like arsenic." He took a sip of another and said, "hmmm, this tastes like cyanide. A very unpleasant taste that brings back memories."
I’d like to take you to the movies, but unfortunately, they don’t let you bring your own snacks.
Don't you just hate when you have to eat cereal with water because your dad won't bring the fucking milk? Cause same.
Dad: Son, do you want to play Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots?
Son: Sure, let me get it from the closet.
Dad: No, bring your sisters. Just like the game, they can’t move their legs.
Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A: A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.
A police officer came up to me and said, "Just why, why would you bring the epileptic children to a laser tag fight?"
(True story) Today I was bringing some tortilla chips upstairs for some chips and dip, and I dropped them, so my mom goes “Oh, now they’re broken.”
And I took an opportunity to make a pun, so I said, “No, they’re just chipped.”
An emo man asked a librarian for a suicide book. She said no because you won't bring it back.
What did Santa Claus bring Michael Jackson for Christmas? His elves! 😂😂😂
There's going to be a party at the orphanage tonight, I'm bringing a gun
My son told me he has to bring an object for show and tell at school.
So I had him bring my wife.
Where did Michael Jackson go to college?
Bring 'em young.
Why are history teachers always women? Because they like to bring up the past.
Three women—a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead—are riding through the desert on a dune buggy. About two hours later, their vehicle dies with no gas, and they're forced to travel to their destination on foot, but they all agree to carry something with them.
The brunette brings canteens of water.
The redhead takes a large beach umbrella.
The blonde somehow rips off the car door.
The redhead asks her, "Why did you take the whole car door?"
To which the blonde replied, "So I can roll down the window in case it gets too hot."
Dating 101:
Here's what you do:
1. Dinner. 2. Kiss. 3. Movie. 4. Sex. 5. Bring her back home. 6. Get paid 15 bucks for babysitting.
Why did the girl bring the ladder to school? Because she wanted to go to high school.
