Bringing jokes

How many feminists does it take to fix a lightbulb?

9: one to screw the lightbulb, one to film it, one to post about it on a women empowerment social media page, one to complain that the man didn’t screw the lightbulb, one to say that women deserve to screw more lightbulbs, one to try to get #womenlightbulbscrewers trending on Twitter, one to bring a man and show him the screwing, one to say that women are better than men at screwing lightbulbs, and one to make a speech about the lightbulb.

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.

The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."

She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."

Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

A woman has been raped by a man. She calls the police, and a policeman shows up.

Woman: "Please help, officer! I have been raped!"

Officer: "No problem, ma'am, I will just unrape you."

Woman: "What? Unrape me? How?"

Officer proceeds to bring back the rapist and forces the woman to rape the rapist back in order to cancel out the initial rape.

If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies?

A swallow.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when I push my autistic brother down the stairs.

How do you get a boy to share something? Bring in Michael Jackson's bed.

Yo mama is so ugly that your dad has to be drunk to bring her home.

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?

A: None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.

A man asked for poison and another man gave it to him. The first man took a sip and said, "hmmm, this tastes like arsenic." He took a sip of another and said, "hmmm, this tastes like cyanide. A very unpleasant taste that brings back memories."

What did Santa Claus bring Michael Jackson for Christmas? His elves! 😂😂😂

I’d like to take you to the movies, but unfortunately, they don’t let you bring your own snacks.

Don't you just hate when you have to eat cereal with water because your dad won't bring the fucking milk? Cause same.

Where did Michael Jackson go to college?

Bring 'em young.

I saw names carved into a tree and thought it was romantic. Until I realized how many people bring knives on dates.

(True story) Today I was bringing some tortilla chips upstairs for some chips and dip, and I dropped them, so my mom goes “Oh, now they’re broken.”

And I took an opportunity to make a pun, so I said, “No, they’re just chipped.”

A police officer came up to me and said, "Just why, why would you bring the epileptic children to a laser tag fight?"

Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

A: A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

An emo man asked a librarian for a suicide book. She said no because you won't bring it back.

Dad: Son, do you want to play Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots?

Son: Sure, let me get it from the closet.

Dad: No, bring your sisters. Just like the game, they can’t move their legs.

My son told me he has to bring an object for show and tell at school.

So I had him bring my wife.