Leo might not be the dumbest person in the world... but she’d better hope they don’t DIE
There will be better punchlines at BlessedBrian’s FUNERAL than in his JOKES
What did the rapper say to the microphone?
"You better DROP THE BEAT, or I'll drop YOU”
My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.
What did the rapper say to his shoes?
"You better LACE UP”
Witches do not wear undies. why? To get better grip on ther broomsticks.
if being sexy were a crime you better lock me up. not because I'm sexy but because I have 5 dead children in my basement
What does it mean when a man has a dodgy past? It means he has skeletons in his closet.
What does it mean when a man likes Lana Del Rey better than Ed Sheeran? It means he has a closet full of women's leather pants (but no women in their dating history).
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline. The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"
Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.
"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
"My wife cheated on me." a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
"I'm sorry to hear that." Dave says.
"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"
The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maid: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
What do sex and food have in common? Grandma makes both better.
The longer the relationship, the longer the breakup will hurt you💔. Better Break up now ooo.🤣
Why are gay men better then straight women?......... Because gay men are more willing to look after kids once they swallow them.
Life is better without my dad annoying me(him smacking me,screaming for something useless, limiting my screen time, and much more
How do you know someone has Down syndrome?
they’re doing better than you
Wanted to go to the zoo, it was too packed so I went to KFC instead, their monkey enclosure is better anyway
How is being in the military like getting a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
what number is better than 69? 88 cause you get ate twice.
Roses are red Violets are fine Why is your life So much better then mine
. What’s better than winning the Paralympics wheelchair race?
Walking.
