Better jokes
Stephen Hawking is better than NASA. They study black holes that are 8 billion years old, while he was down here on Earth staring at 14-year-old black holes. 😈😈😈
What do Black people and chains have in common? Both work better with chains on them?
Why is Hitler better than Biden?
Because Hitler gave his people gas for free.
My friend asked which is better to have, and you have to choose: autism or Down syndrome?
What do sex and food have in common?
My sister makes it better than my cousin.
Where can white people cook better than Black people?
On Father’s Day.
What do asses and secrets have in common?
Both are better when not leaked!
Why did the skydiver's parachute fail?
Because it realized it had a better chance of survival without them.
What did one saggy boob say to the other?
"We better start getting some support around here, or people are gonna think we're nuts!"
Better Friday the 13th than Monday the 13th.
What is better than winning the gold medal at the Special Olympics? Having arms and legs.
Leo might not be the dumbest person in the world... but she’d better hope they don’t DIE!
There will be better punchlines at BlessedBrian’s FUNERAL than in his JOKES.
What did the rapper say to the microphone?
"You better DROP THE BEAT, or I'll drop YOU!"
My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.
What did the rapper say to his shoes?
"You better lace up!"
Witches do not wear undies. Why? To get a better grip on their broomsticks.
If being sexy were a crime, you better lock me up.
Not because I'm sexy, but because I have 5 dead children in my basement.
What does it mean when a man has a dodgy past? It means he has skeletons in his closet.
What does it mean when a man likes Lana Del Rey better than Ed Sheeran? It means he has a closet full of women's leather pants (but no women in their dating history).
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.
The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"
Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.
"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.
"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"