Better Jokes

The Special

My favorite quote will always be, “Sketchy candy is better than no candy”

  • One of the thousands of missing children
3
Anonymous
in Depression

if an emo doesn’t get better by Christmas Santas reindeer won’t be the only thing jumping off roofs this year

Anonymous
in Sister

Sometimes i feel ugly, then i think of my sister and feel better

An old man gets the call from the IRS The man on the phone says, “we’ve noticed large sums of money coming in and going out of your account constantly and we gotta get this straight. Come in tomorrow and we’ll have a chat about this.” The old man thinks for a while and then decides he better get his lawyer to come with him.

The next day the old man and his lawyer show up to the IRS office and the man there says,”So we’ve noticed these large sums of money entering and leaving your account nonstop. Can you explain this?” The man replies,”Well, I will bet on pretty much anything. Like this! I bet you 10,000 I can bite my own eye.” The agent takes the bet, and the man takes out his glass eye and bites it. He then says,”Wait. I’ll give you a chance to earn your money back, and more! I bet you 20,000 I can bite my other eye.” The agent thinks a minute and realizing the man isn’t blind, takes the bet. The old man takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye. He then says,”alright last chance. I bet you 50,000 i can stand on this side of your office and pee into that wastebasket on the opposite side without getting a drop anywhere in between.” The agent thinks real hard but decides it’s impossible so takes the bet. The man unzips his pants and pees all over the IRS agents desk. The agent jumps up and down and says, “haha! I got you now!” But the mans lawyer goes pale in the face, sinks his head in his hands and says,”He bet me 100,000 on the way over here that he could piss all over your desk and you’d just love it!”

Anonymous

They say masterbation is better with a dead arm

Apparently I ruined that funeral

3
SHEEEEEESSHHHH

Why dont witches wear underwear?

So they can get a better grip on their broom

Sans
in Puns

My ex-wife still misses me… BUT HER AIM IS GETTIN BETTER!

in Depression

I was having issues in my personal and professional life. I hated everyone. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown and depression. I decided to see a therapist about it. The therapist suggested that I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I must admit I feel much better…

But now I don’t know what to do with the letters.

sans the skeletonw
in Skeleton

i hear skeletons like to play the saxaBONE, though i think the tromBONE would be better, but tibia honest, both can be HUMERUS, wouldnt wanna hurt your funny bone, but i think your starting to get BONELY so ill stop pulling your leg. Now get out before i give you a bad time.

Anonymous

Kid:what is between moms legs? Dad:paridise. Kid whats between you legs? Dad:the key to paridise. Kid:well uou better change the lock the neighbor has the key to.

4
Lynn🤍💖
in Dirty Joke

Q. What’s white, sticky, and better to spit than to swallow?

A. Toothpaste.

Anonymous
in Depression

Sometimes I just wake up in the morning, and think well better luck next time.

YOUR DAD

My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better so i sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wifes broken leg.

Anonymous
in Egg

Are you enjoying my yolks. I bet there making you crack up. If not, I better scrammble

Hannan Janjuaa
in Puns

Looks like I lost an electron, I should keep a better ion them.

Sheeeeeeeeesshhh

What does a perverted frog say? Rub it

Why don’t witches wear underwear? To get a better grip on their broom

What do girls and rocks have in common? The flat ones get skipped

What is red and goes 200 mph? A baby in a blender

CDR
in Cow

Here’s a better version of a previous joke:

I would tell you a milk joke, but its whey too cheesy!

Anonymous

Why is the leaning tower of Pizza leaning?

It has better reflexes than the twin towers.

6
Tanner Pomeranz
in Football

A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.

However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.

So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.

He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.

The man replies, “No.”

The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”

The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”

“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”

“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”

Xzavier
in Little Johnny

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it and says “hey dad! Whatcha doin?” His father says “I’m filling your moms tank” Johnny says, “oh yeah well, you better get a model that gets better mileage because th milk man filled her up this morning.”