Beat jokes

What’s the similarity between my dick and my girlfriend?

I beat both of them.

What song did Michael Jackson come up with after his first sleepover with the kid?

"Just Beat It."

My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse, but I beat her to it.

When I was a kid, my hamster died, so my mum bought a new identical one, hoping I wouldn't notice. It didn't matter anyway, since I beat that one to death, too.

Q: Why did Sally get beat up?

A: She couldn’t fight back.

After arriving home from helping the priest, a young altar boy approaches his parents, "Mommy, Daddy, my poop is white!"

The mother rushes the boy to the hospital, while the father rushes to church in a rage and proceeds to beat the living hell out of the priest. Afterwards, the father heads to the hospital and meets his wife in the waiting room; she's surprisingly calm.

"How can you be so relaxed after what that bastard has been doing to our son?" he exclaims.

The wife looks up at him, "What are you talking about? It's just a liver infection!"

Look, an orphan, let's go beat 'em up.

Q: What do you say to a kid who threatens to beat you up?

A: We can always rearrange your liver 😏

Good Evening Twitter, this is your boy EatDatPussy445, and about like 30-45 minutes ago, I beat the f*** out of my dick so god damn hard that I can't even feel my left leg, my left leg has went totally numb. And, my dick has also went totally numb, to the point where it feels f***ing weird when I go and take a piss.

What’s the difference between Isaac Newton and my Dad?

Isaac Newton didn’t beat me half to death with a pipe wrench.

I was finally released from jail a year after I beat up someone on New Year’s Eve.

Don’t blame me for being suspicious of an Arabian counting down from ten.

What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn't beat cancer.

1. If being ugly was a crime, you would have a life sentence.

2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships.

3. There is a tree out there giving you oxygen, and you owe that tree an apology.

4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.

5. When I saw your dad on the sidewalk, I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

6. If I had powers, I would make you the dumbest person alive, but it seems life already beat me to the punch.

7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it.

8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.

9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting.

10. Were you born on a highway, 'cause that’s where most accidents happen?

11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya.

12. You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented.

Skedaddle skedoodle, I'm gonna go beat my noodle.

Roses are red, violets are blue,

I’m sorry you look like my old beat up shoe.

I beat up my twin friends with a plane.

Why don’t rappers ever get lost?

They always have a SICK FLOW to follow.

I really want to beat the living daylights out of you, but it's not worth getting the wooden spoon for garbage.

Make like a drum and beat it!

What’s the difference between cancer and my abusive stepdad?

My stepdad did beat cancer.