Beat

Beat Jokes

Obesity

One day, I saw a kid beating up a fat kid. But a cop came out of nowhere and threw the bully off him. The cop then asked the bully, "Why are you beating him up?" I responded, saying, "I'm fighting obesity; no children should suffer from diabetes and heart disease." Then, the cop pulled out a gun and fired, afterwards saying, "Well, how did I do?"

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  • Priest

    After arriving home from helping the priest, a young altar boy approaches his parents, "Mommy, Daddy, my poop is white!"

    The mother rushes the boy to the hospital, while the father rushes to church in a rage and proceeds to beat the living hell out of the priest. Afterwards, the father heads to the hospital and meets his wife in the waiting room; she's surprisingly calm.

    "How can you be so relaxed after what that bastard has been doing to our son?" he exclaims.

    The wife looks up at him, "What are you talking about? It's just a liver infection!"

    Bloody Mary

    How did "Bloody Mary" become a thing?

    Because her husband beat her bloody when she didn't stay in the kitchen.

    Hell

    God, you’re having a good day?

    Me: Yes, beats burning in hell.

    Meat

    Some guy asked me, "Are you better than my meat?" I said, "No, I'm not better, I just beat it all the time."

    Phone

    Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"

    Wife

    I caught my wife cheating on me.

    I beat my son and grounded him.

    Insult

    You look like a double dipped chocolate chip cliff flipped glazed charcoal slim jim Mr. clog hunch frap, no feet, 9 arms, 17 stomachs. You stepdad beat you with a wiffle ball bat. NBA Youngboy was in your bathroom spitting on you and now you got herpes on your left side cheek.

    Comment

    Guys, put more comments in.

    We are so close to beating the world record for most comments on this website, and the record is 171.

    Spaghetti

    What happens when you hear about Mary Brittain beating a Thomas?

    You cook spaghetti with his blood!

    Dad

    What is the difference between your dad and a video game?

    Your dad doesn’t beat you.

    Poem

    Roses are red, Violets are blue, With every beat of my heart, I'm devoted to you.

    Rapper

    Why did the rapper wear a watch to the studio?

    He wanted to make TIMELESS TRACKS.

    Sticker

    When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.

    Wife

    What did the man say in the morning after beating up his wife?

    "I woke up Chris Breezy."