Bad jokes
My cousin: Brother, I lost in a game of Call of Duty: Moe Bill [he was supposed to pronounce it as mobile; however, I left it as it is].
Me: So tell me about it then.
My cousin: I lost to Sum_Baldi.
Me: Somebody? Don’t they have, like, the name of you opponents?
My cousin: No, no, no, the name was Sum_Baldi. S.U.M_B.A.L.D.I.
Me: Ok, my bad. Continue.
My cousin: I got Sum_Baldi, and 5 seconds later, I got kill[ed] by Sum_Fing_Wong.
Me: It’s not wrong! In Call of Duty, you are suppose to kill or be killed.
My cousin: No, no, no, the name was Sum_Fing_Wong. S.U.M_F.I.N.G_W.O.N.G.
Me: My bad again. Do continue.
My cousin: I got so angry I blow[ed] up.
Me: So you got blowed up, by what weapon?
My cousin: By the game.
Me: [was not expecting that for an answer]
What do you call a gay person on fire? LGBBQ.
What do you call a disabled person on fire? Hot wheels.
What do you call an Asian person on fire? Vietnam.
If you think about it, taking candy from a baby is good because candy is bad for babies.
Why are English people bad at chess? 'Cause they lost their Queen.
Why can't the US play chess? 'Cause they lost their towers.
You really can't call Stalin bad, just think about the kids that depression.
Why are you sitting down to pee? I don't have a good back and can't lift something big.
My mom gives me your stuff because you have bad grades.
Me: How about my 5 little brothers? I have A's; he has F's.
She lets him play anyway and I don't.
I felt bad for the orphan because he couldn't go on a field trip, you know why?
Parent signature: _________
Friend: If you don't like my bad jokes, I will tell some stand up comedy.
Me: But you are not standing:)
What is the difference between a school bus and a baseball?
You can throw a baseball, and you can’t throw a school bus.
Why are you making all these bad jokes about orphans? What did they ever do to you?
Me: Sister, stop stealing my stuff or I will make you feel bad.
Sister: No, I won't stop.
Me: Fine, I'm telling the world what you did.
Sister: What? You will see when I post it.
Sister: WHY DID YOU TELL THEM I PEED ON SANTA CLAUS WHEN I WAS 12 YEARS OLD?
Me: BECAUSE YOU DON ́T HAVE A LIFE.
Yo momma's armpits stink so bad she made Right Guard turn to left.
Why are eggs bad at puns?
They always mix up their yolks!
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims. They went through 80 stories in 7 seconds. In case you didn't see that one coming, don't feel bad, they didn't either.
Son: Can I go to my friend's mum? Mum: No! Son: Dad was right, I am a son of a bitch! Mum: Bad news, but you're adopted!!
I must have at least 87 years of bad luck; every time I look in the mirror, it breaks!
A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."
The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"
The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."
Why are orphans so bad at learning about ancient Egypt? They don't know what mummies are.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Doctor.
Doctor who?