Your hairline is so far back dinosaurs are seeing it.
A blonde went to an HIV test. When she came back, she said, “The doctors say that I’m all positive!”
What bumps up and down at 100km an hour?
A baby tied to the back of a speeding truck.
Friend: I have the eye of the tiger.
Me: So what? I have the balls of a gorilla.
Parents: We can't come back to the zoo next week!
Superman has been called to a huge house fire.
Superman: "There you are ma'am, everyone out and all safe!"
Mother: "But my children are still inside! You need to go back an--"
Superman: "Ah fuck'em..."
A friend of mine chews gum, lays back to yawn, then chokes on the gum. Then I said, "God, what, you choking on dick?"
How do you quiet a baby down?
Make baby back ribs for dinner.
When your friend moves to Texas and she comes back a cowgirl.
YEEEHAWW!
A woman comes from a restaurant and ate a lot of beans.
When she gets home, her husband puts a blindfold on her and says not to take it off. The lady hears her husband leave the room and starts farting really loudly. When the husband comes back and takes off the blindfold, the lady sees 12 people with pegs on their noses singing happy birthday!
A group of Astronauts, a Mechanic, a Pilot, & a Communications operator are on a very important mission to Mars when one of their solar panels gets grazed by a meteorite.
And so the Astronauts quickly assemble in the hull to wait for orders from the ground. Once the Communications operator turned on coms, their man on the ground told the Pilot to continue their course & to send the Mechanic out to fix the problem. As the Mechanic worked on finishing repairing the solar panel, the Pilot & Communications operator told each other dark jokes when out of nowhere a meteorite field appeared! The Ground operator frighteningly shouted "Get him back in the ship!" to the Communications operator. "Chill out, he'll be fine," The Pilot assured him. "Get him the hell out of there, that's an order!" The Ground operator argued. Then thirty seconds later the Communications operator came back from the air shoot & asked, "Now what?"
Little Johnny was walking on the street alone one day and saw a robber. Little Johnny says to him "Give the mother fucking broken ass piece of shit back!"
To which the robber says "FUCK YOU! I don't wanna."
Little Johnny calls the police and says "A robber is stealing a broken ass piece of shit purse."
The police said "How old are you?"
Little Johnny then hangs up the phone.
What did Eminem do when he couldn't get some of his mom's spaghetti?
Well, he didn't make it back to recovery this time...
A young, innocent little girl is playing hopscotch, and she says, "You step on a crack, you break your mama's back." Then she steps on a crack, so her mother's back proceeded to break slowly. Then she said, "You step on a line, you break your dada's spine," but the neighbor's spine broke, and in happiness, the thought-to-be previous father gets in his car and drives through the garage door...
Yo mama's hairline is so god damn far back even Joe Biden wouldn't sniff it.
Me, Joe Biden: What do you mean *snifff*
At an orphan's funeral, you say, "Your dad came back."
Your hairline is so repulsive that my entire family got eye cancer from seeing it, and it goes so far back that you be looking like Vegeta.
Haven’t they switched him off and then back on yet?
When the school shooter runs out of ammo: K a l m.
When he grabs a full mag: P a n i k.
When he looks back and doesn't see you, but you're hiding in one of the classrooms: K a l m.
When the autistic kid's Sketchers light up: P A N I K.
Why does an orphan love baseball? Because their ball comes back, get pranked, bitch!
So Timmy was walking down the street with his friend Lea. Suddenly a car drives by and Timmy waves at the car.
Lea looks at him, puzzled, then later asks him; "Why'd you wave at that car back there?"
Timmy replies "Oh that was my brother, he went to the bar. He must just be driving home..."
