Back jokes
"Hey man, what's that, a dynamite you have in your hand? Ok, well hold it over. I'll give it right back."
"Oh no, I won't!"
"Oh yes, you will!"
"Oh, I won't!"
"Oh yes, you will!"
"Ok fine, then you take it or I'll blow our your butt before it farts."
If your butt hurts real bad, put some vapor rub and booty cream on it so it can heal back to normal.
Every time I come straight home from work, you're in the bed asleep and back there dead like a vampire in a casket.
Then the next thing I noticed, you just came back from the dead in no time, dummy.
— Can I borrow a book [on] how to kill myself?
— Librarian: No, because you won’t bring it back.
Why did the squirrel swim on its back?
To keep its nuts dry.
Why does Ama like boomerangs? Because they actually come back!
I got my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He came back a week later and said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.
Elsa got a boyfriend, and the boyfriend wanted to try anal.
She wasn't too keen, but she just lay back and shouted "INTO THE UNKNOWN!"
Why did the squirrel swim on its back?
So it didn't get its nuts wet.
One day I asked my mom where kids came from. She said the man who went to the milk store.
Five years later, he came back and left again.
Your hairline's so far back that Dora the Explorer can't explore it!
This is NOT my joke. I found it on Google. It's a texting joke.
Mom: Son, your grandma just passed away LOL.
Son: Mom, what do you mean LOL? That means laughing out loud.
Mom: Oh no, I thought that meant lots of love. I have to text everyone back!!!!
How does Stephen Hawking have sex?
Enter, backspace. Enter, backspace.
And that concludes your French oral. You can put your trousers back up, and I'll see you on Monday.
Family are together playing charades.
Me: "50 Shades of Grey!" Yes, I'm so good at charades! Put your shirt back on, Nan!
An autistic kid hit me, so I kicked him back and he died.
A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "Well... My oldest son just came out..." The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. "What now?" the bartender asks. "My middle son just came out." The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. "Again?" the bartender asks. "Yeah. My youngest son." He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. "My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??" the bartender asks. "Yeah... My wife."
Mom: It's time for sleep.
Baby: Is that what you think, huh?
Mom: *gives baby pacifier*
Baby: Nice try, hobo.
Mom: Well, I'll come back later to see if he's gone asleep.
*few hours later*
Baby: *still awake*
Mom: Why IS HE NOT ASLEEP?!
Baby: Lol, I told you nice try haha.
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks, “A Bloody Mary?”
The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me.”
“Hot water?”
“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea.”
I used to have a girlfriend who would argue with me a lot for no reason. I look at her feet and say to her, "Here is £15, give yourself a foot pedicure, then come back to me. It clearly shows you have man feet. You are a woman; you should have woman feet. No wonder you boss me around too much as if you're the man of the house."