Ass jokes

Three men are shipwrecked on a jungle island and taken prisoner by the residing cannibals. They are all told to walk into the jungle and come back with one piece of fruit. They go in and the first man comes out with a peach. He is instructed to shove it in his ass, and if he laughs, he will be killed. He tries and dies.

The second man comes back with a grape and is instructed to do the same. When the two meet at the pearly gates, the first man says, "I had a peach. They're fuzzy. You had a grape. What's your excuse?"

"Well, I was doing fine until I saw Jimmy come out of the brush with a pineapple."

You blow a kiss up.

Your eyes were bright up your ass.

If Selena Gomez wasn't really single after Justin Bieber dumped her, I would wait for her to come by my house, take her fine ass in my room, close my door, and give her some sex medicine until she masturbates.

What did the autistic man order at McDonald’s?

Ass Burgers.

If I had a spray can, I would spray it on your ass. Because the instructions say to spray on flat surfaces.

What do you call a cross between a priest and a child?

The cross shoved up the priest’s ass as he ‘downward dogs’ the kid.

Where do rabbits take baths and wash their asses?

What do you call a green camel?

My parents left me.

There were two twins, and they were both very tall.

The next thing they knew, they were on the floor, and there were planes up their asses.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun.

Jack got mad and kicked Jill in the ass because she couldn't make him cum.

She said she was hungry. So I fucked her in the ass and gave her a chili dog.

I swear every time I walk past a guy, they stare at my ass. I always keep wondering why it hurts so much.

Who can jump the highest? Depressed asses, some say they’re still in the air.

What is the difference between gross and kinky according to a Canadian?

Using a toothpick to remove human feces between your teeth after licking another person's ass is gross, but performing a blowjob on a man who is well-endowed while he is eating a tuna fish sandwich, with maple syrup instead of mayonnaise, is kinky.

My dog got stuck in my ass, help!

TJ's hairline is so far back his friends don't even want to talk to his ugly ass!

I got up one day; my neighbor was in my house and was going to take me and my mom out. I showed my mom and my neighbor a trick. They both liked it. I asked my neighbor, "Do you know any tricks?" He said, "Yes, in matter of fact, I could tell you what your mom had for breakfast." I said, "How?" Well, my neighbor licked my mom's ass and ate her pussy out in front of me. He told me my mom had pancakes. So we were in the car; I asked my neighbor, "How did you know what my mom had pancakes for breakfast?" My neighbor said, "Well, that is what your mom made me while we were waiting for you to get up."

"If your enemy is kicking your ass, blame it on the lag."

-- Sun Tzu, The Art of War

Yo mama's ass is mad crusty!

I am whooping my doge's a$$. If you like, you can free him.