Asked Jokes

My friend asked me if I wanted to hang out by the tree later. I said, "Yeah, I was gonna hang there."

My son, who is into astronomy, asked me how stars die. I said, "Usually from an overdose."

My mom asked me if I was okay, so I replied, "I will be," and jumped out the window!

One day my mom told me to take out the trash, and I did. The next day, mom asked me, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "A garbage truck took her." Mom started running to try and get the truck before it left.

I have an exam next week, so I called my ex and asked if she had any cheating tips.

How do you make a blind person jealous? You ask if it's a nice day out.

There was a little kid crying in the park today. I asked him where his parents were. Now I realize, man, I love my job.

My math teacher asked me what a liked term was. I told her I couldn't say, never experienced it.

I once called a depressed guy [to ask] why he loves ropes so much, and he left HUNGing on the phone. (I'm not English, so I could've talked bad.)

I asked the gym instructor,

"Can you teach me to do the splits?"

"How flexible are you?" he asked.

"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."

"911, what’s your emergency?" I asked, listening to the quiet sobs of a little kid on the other end of the line.

“I think my daddy want to kill me,” the girl said and cried, making me freeze on the spot as I recognized my daughter’s voice.

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to do suicide, and the librarian said, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

A kid asks his dad why his name is Experience. The dad says, "That's what we give our mistakes."

I used to be in a special needs class, and the teacher sent a student (if you want to call them that) out to the hall for being late.

I asked her, "Why did you send James out to the hall?"

She said, "He was a little tardy."

I replied to her, "I thought they all were."

A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever.

His friend asked, "Did you get any head?"

The guy said, "No, I couldn't find it."

I asked the gym trainer what type of machine I should use to get the best looking women.

He said the ATM outside.

A photon is checking into a hotel.

The bellhop asks him, "Do you have any luggage?"

The photon replies, "Nope, I'm traveling light."

I went to the tattoo shop and asked for a skull.

A Jewish guy behind me said, "A skull? Back in my day, we could only get numbers!"

Why were the Twin Towers disappointed?

They asked for a pepperoni pizza and all they got was a plane.

I asked my Dad the other day, "At what age is it okay to have sex with girls?"

He replied, "When they leave school, son, they are legal."

Apparently, 3:15 p.m. is not what he meant.