A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
A baby skunk's mother gets hit by a car, so the baby skunk doesn't know what he is. So the baby skunk walks up to a baby bunny and asks 'What are you?', the baby bunny replies 'Well I'm a baby bunny. What are you?' the baby skunk says 'Well I don't know am I a baby bunny too?' the baby bunny says 'No you're not a baby bunny.' so the baby skunk asks 'Well what am I then?' the baby bunny replies 'Well you're not exactly blank and you're not exactly white so you must be Mexican.'
The black nurse tells me she has been a vegan for 29 years. The father sitting next to me asks "so you don't miss fried chicken."
a girl asked ̈can i have some nuts too? ̈ boy: ̈sure what ones;) ̈
When Stephen Hawking was asked why he was instantly attracted to his new girlfriend he said " it's simple , she pushes all the right buttons "
A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking! Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."
A guy goes onto a rooftop bar, and is sitting next to a guy who says he's drinking a magical drink. He asks "What's so magical about it?" the guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. the other tries, but falls of and dies.
The bartender shakes his head, and says.
"Y'know, you're a real jerk when you're drunk superman.
Here is a good joke: asking for consent before sex.
what does a Catholic Priest and a commercial from the 80s have in common they both ask people "WHERES THE MEAT!"
I asked my friend what their serial number was....he said Cheerios
A guy went to the doctor and told him that whenever he drinks a cup of tea his eye hurts ,the doctor brought him a cup and asked him to drink ... when he finished the doctor told him : from now on take off the spoon.
"I'm sorry," the doctor says, "you have rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."
"Will that cure me?" the patient asks.
"Well, no," the doctor replies, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."
One day I was jogging through the park and I saw this lady sitting next to a pond in a wheelchair with no legs and arms and said "Why are you crying" she said she had never been hugged I gave her a hug and jogged away.The next day i saw her again and asked her the same question she said "I've never been kissed" I gave her a kiss and went, The third day i asked her thrice and she said I've never been fucked I picked her up from her wheelchair and throwed her in the pond and said your fucked now She didn't make it:)
DH: I asked my girlfriend what she wanted to eat, she said nothing. So I brought her to Africa.
Dark..Humor :)
I had a friend named Mari. Sadly she did drugs. So one day I go up to her and say “Mari-juana do this????” She later asked me to leave forever..... I don’t gnome why but... it CRACKed me up abit!!!
I asked what LGBTQ stands for and I couldn’t get straight answer😔
There was a kid crying. I asked him where his parents were. He cried more. I love working at an orphanage.
Q. There were 2 sisters. One was having twins and asked her sister to help name the children. If one was named Deniece, what was the other named? A. Denephew.
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off." Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. ! She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" "No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?"
Today my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings and when my brother walked past my mom asked me a question "what do you think of going through kids heads during a school shooting " That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom "bullets" we don't talk about this anymore
