Asked jokes

Wanna know what is offensive? I don't know, ask feminist (sans undertale).

My sisters ask me, "Are you really a virgin?" I say, "That's nun of your business!"

Jeff asks, "Did you hear about the guy they call the flash?"

Bob responds, "No, I haven't. Do they call him that because he runs fast?"

Jeff replies, "Nah, they call him that because he doesn't wear pants."

Three guys are on a plane: one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American. The pilot says, "There is too much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off." So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said, "I have plenty of these where I come from." Then the Asian threw out some rice and said, "I have plenty of these in my country." The American threw out a bomb and said, "I have a lot of these in my country."

The plane crashes anyway, and the three men start to walk away from the crash. As they were walking, they found a boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of burritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy." The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of rice fell out of the sky and shredded all my clothes." The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble. They kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny. The boy said, "MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!"

My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”

A nucleus walked into a bar. He asked the bartender, “How much for a drink?” The bartender replied, “For you, NO CHARGE!”

I’m not saying my life’s a joke. I’m saying it’s the punchline no one asked for.

A man walks into the taxidermist with two monkeys. The taxidermist asked if he wanted them mounted. The man said, "No. Shaking hands will be fine."

Why were the Twin Towers disappointed?

They asked for a pepperoni pizza and all they got was a plane.

I went to the tattoo shop and asked for a skull.

A Jewish guy behind me said, "A skull? Back in my day, we could only get numbers!"

A photon is checking into a hotel.

The bellhop asks him, "Do you have any luggage?"

The photon replies, "Nope, I'm traveling light."

My friend asked me if I wanted to hang out by the tree later. I said, "Yeah, I was gonna hang there."

I asked the gym instructor,

"Can you teach me to do the splits?"

"How flexible are you?" he asked.

"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."

My math teacher asked me what a liked term was. I told her I couldn't say, never experienced it.

I once called a depressed guy [to ask] why he loves ropes so much, and he left HUNGing on the phone. (I'm not English, so I could've talked bad.)

My son, who is into astronomy, asked me how stars die. I said, "Usually from an overdose."

A kid asks his dad why his name is Experience. The dad says, "That's what we give our mistakes."

"911, what’s your emergency?" I asked, listening to the quiet sobs of a little kid on the other end of the line.

“I think my daddy want to kill me,” the girl said and cried, making me freeze on the spot as I recognized my daughter’s voice.

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to do suicide, and the librarian said, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

There was a little kid crying in the park today. I asked him where his parents were. Now I realize, man, I love my job.