A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy. The boy replies, "I’m an orphan, your honor."
Kelly Clarkson and Ian Watkins of the Lostprophets both walk into a bar. The bartender asked, "Hitting on some 2-year-olds today?" It may have been an innocuous question, if it weren't for the fact that the bartender is Chris Hansen.
A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."
Friend:Im gonna go ask out my crush Me: fake sneezes* Sry im alergic to bullshit
My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...
"Lazy."
So my sister is a feminist I asked her what do you to hear a rape joke she said no I still decided to force one down her throat anyway.
Which sex position produces the ugliest children?
Go ask your mother.
So I had an orphan friend, and he asked me, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, I just wanted to remind you." Then I asked, "How are your parents?" After that, I never saw him again.
When me and my friend went to the market, my friend tried to scan my arm and I asked her what she was doing and she answered "Oh I had to buy you so I don't steal you"
The teacher is asking you a question. Teacher: If your biggest dream came true, what would you be? Me: dead.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
You want to hear a dirty joke?
This guy and this girl were having sex when the guys boss called to ask why he wasn't at work. The guy responds, "I'm sick" His boss replies, "you don't sound sick" The guy says, "I'm fucking my sister" and hangs up the phone
A man walked into a library. He asked the librarian, "Have you got a book on how to commit suicide?" The librarian replied, "no you'd never bring it back!"
My wife asked me to help cure her from sucking her thumb. So I drew a cock on it.
A husband comes home from work one day and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."
Imagine working at the World Trade Center only for Osama bin Laden to call and ask if he could crash at your place
So i asked my mom for a bath bomb she just gave me a toaster
Me. i asked an orphan were his parents were i also said that i promised to take him to them Orphan. there dead Me. a promise made is a promise kept
A MAN WENT INTO A LIBRARY AND ASKED FOR A BOOK ON HOW TO COMMIT SUICIDE
The librarian said: "FUCK OFF YOU WONT BRING IT BACK"
One morning peppy and George came downstairs for Breckfast but they got a plate of juicy bacon there dad had recently gone missing so they ate it quite sadly the next morning they went to school and asked their teacher what is bacon made out of the teacher replied “pigs why?”peppa and George looked horrified
