Ares jokes
A priest and a nun are traveling across the desert on a camel, and when all of a sudden the camel dies. They’re in the middle of the desert with no hope of rescue when that night the priest thinks to himself that he can’t die a virgin. He looks over at the nun and pulls out his penis. The nun says, "Father, what is that?" He says, "This, sister, is the wand of life." The nun says, "Good, now go stick it in that camel's ass and let’s get the hell out of here!"
Hey God, what are you making?
Just a wooden stick that lights on fire.
Sounds like a match made in heaven.
I identify as Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are he he.
What do you call a gay man that is not physically handicapped that performs blowjobs on gay men that are physically handicapped?
Caregiver.
Why are Michael Jackson and caviar so much in common?
They both come on little white crackers.
Two horses are standing in a field. "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse," says the first.
"Moo!" says the second.
Why were the twin towers actually twins?
Their birth and death date are the same!
Why are Trump's ties so long?
Because they go all the way to Russia.
I can’t hang out with an emo when they are sad? Why? Because it cuts deeply.
Why do they bury Germans 20 feet down when they die, instead of the usual 6 feet? Because deep down, Germans are ok.
Like this if you are a single Pringle like me.
What's a similarity between The Ark of the Covenant, The Holy Grail and a bunch of 12 year olds?
They are all locked in the Priest's basement.
Three people died and went to Hell. One of them is from America, the second guy is from Germany, and the third guy is from Afghanistan. The devil lets each person make a phone call to their loved ones in the country they came from, but they will be charged. The American spends 10 minutes on the phone and is charged $20. The German spends 12 minutes on the phone and is charged $24. The man from Afghanistan spends half an hour on the phone and is charged nothing. The other two guys asked the devil why. The devil responded: "Local calls are free."
I know why Asian's eyes are always closed. It's because Americans are so fat and ugly.
Me: *Meets girl, starts to form crush* Me after I get enough courage to talk to her: “Are you a casket lid because I want you on top of me?”
“What do you call my friend group?” “Suicide Squad.”
I think Paul Walker and 9/11 jokes are great, but when I tell them to others, they tend to crash and burn.
Why are Americans so bad at Clash Royale?
Because they’ve already lost 2 towers.
Girls are just like rocks; the flat ones get skipped.
Orphan: "Why can’t I watch a PG movie?"
Me: "They are Parental Guidance."
Saying I'm sorry and I apologize are basically the same thing... except at a funeral.