Ares jokes
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What did the American say to the Russian?
"Why are you always Russian?"
An American mother has 3 children. The first child asked his mum: "Why is my sister called Crazy Horse and my brother Rushing Water?"
Mum: "Because those were the first thing I saw after i gave birth to them. Why are you asking all these questions, two dogs fucking?"
What are a pedophile"s shoes called?
Answer: WHITE VANS
How can you light up a candle in a ship which does not contain any instrument and you are alone with just a packet of candles?
Answer: Just throw one candle in the sea; the boat will become lighter.
Three nuns are on their way up to heaven after having been involved in a terrible minibus crash on the Italian Alps that killed them and the driver (he went the other direction!).
As they're approaching the Pearly Gates to be interviewed by St. Peter, they are requested by an attendant to form a single line and wait. Sister Agnes is first, Sister Bernadette behind her and Sister Carmel on the end.
Finally, St. Peter approaches the nuns to determine their worthiness for entry to Heaven.
He says to the first nun: "Sister Agnes, have you ever seen the penis of a man?"
Sister Agnes bursts into tears and says: "Yes, St. Peter, I have, but please don't let this prevent me from entering the Kingdom of Heaven."
St. Peter says: "Never fear, my child. Say a thousand Hail Marys and then go over to that font of Holy Water and wash your eyes out, then you shall enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
Sister Carmel sees what's going on and taps Sister Bernadette on the shoulder, somewhat urgently.
"Pssst - hey Bernie"!, she says.
Sister Bernadette asks: "What is it?" A little annoyed.
Sister Carmel says: "Do you mind if we swap places"?
Sister Bernadette replies: "What for"?
Sister Carmel says: "Well, I wouldn't mind gargling before you stick your ass in there!"
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
What do my baby and dinosaurs have in common? They are both dead.
"Are you taco to me? I nacho friend."
Diabetic wives are like Cillit Bang. Squeeze them a bit and bang! The bed is gone.
A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him. Everyone else in the room stops to listen:
Man: Hello? Woman: Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman: I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000. Man: Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market... they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man: I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman: OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man: I love you to.
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
The man turns around and says: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
A man asks a woman, "Are you a school?"
The woman replies, "No, why?"
The man says, "Oh, I wanted to shoot my kid inside of you."
Why are orphans so good at tennis?
Because that’s the only love they get.
If you are going to make fun of someone, make fun of orphans. What are they going to do, tell their parents?
Double whammy.
Dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old.
There are more than 2 genders.
If babies stay in their mothers for 9 months, are they not 9 months old when they are born?
Someone was crushing a bag of chips. I said, "Are you making edibles?"
Why are Mexicans so bad in the Olympics?
Because all the ones that can run, jump, and swim live in America.
Women are like grenades: you pull the ring and BOOM, the house is gone!
When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.