Ares jokes
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just WAVED. Can you SEA what I did there? I'm SHORE you did. Why are you so SALTY? Don't be a BEACH.
Why are there no good Indian actors? Because all the good ones are trying to get your bank details over the phone.
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.
The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.
They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"
Why are white teenagers the best for the army? They are good at shooting things up.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how big they are and how hard you throw them.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 Victims, they went through 89 stories in 7 seconds.
What are you going to have for a face when the baboon wants its butt back?
Why do ballerinas wear tutus?
The one-ones are too small and the three-threes are too big.
The inmates are yelling 12...12...12... in the courtyard.
A man walking by is interested why the keep chanting 12...12...12... so he sticks his head through the fence and the inmate poked the man in the eye.
Moment later they start chanting 13...13...13...
Teacher: Kids, what are some things you have that make you happy? Kid 1: I have my family to make me happy. Kid 2: I have my friends to make me happy. Teacher: What about you, Sean? Sean: I have to take pills to make me happy...
Q: Why are gay people never late for their flight?
A: They get their shit packed the night before.
This man got his left arm and left leg cut off, and someone asked him, "How are you?" And he said, "I’m all right now."
Pedophiles are just fucking, immature assholes.
Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says to the other, "Man, it's hot in here!"
The other muffin says, "OH MY GOSH A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!"
The grapes in the supermarket are really raisin' the bars...
What games do you play if you are bored?
Board games.
In Australia, my jokes are high koala-ty.
Back in Australia, my puns are high koala-tea!
Chuck Norris has been to Mars... that's why there are no signs of life there.
Little Johnny went to the doctor to get an infection checked on his penis. As the doctor examined it, he asked, "Lil Johnny how did you get an infection on your penis?" Johnny replied, "Well, the damn neighbor Sally's braces are too sharp."