Ares jokes
What is the difference between a suicidal person and you? None, you are both dead on the inside.
Old man goes to the doctor.
The doctor says, "The test results are back, and I'm sad to say you have cancer and Alzheimer's."
The old man says, "Phew! At least it's not cancer!"
"Koalafications" are irr-elephant.
They have a new line of socks for paraplegics.
They are so comfortable they can't even feel them.
This one time I said to a person that they are dry, then I was wet (ba dum tiss).
My bully said I have to shut up. I said, "Shut down" (ba dum tiss).
There were these three men; their names were Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, they were riding in their car, and Shit fell out, so Manners went out to pick Shit up, and Shut up went to the police station.
When he got there, the police officer said, "What's your name, son?" and Shut up said, "Shut up." The officer replies with, "Ummm...excuse me?!" and Shut up said, "Shut up!" and the officer said, "Boy, where are your manners?" and Shut up said, "Round the corner picking up Shit!"
There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station while Manners tried to help Shit.
When Shut up got to the police station he says, "My brother has just been hit by a car."
The policeman replied with, "OK then, first I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"No, I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"Excuse me, but where are your manners?"
"Round the corner picking up shit."
Me: Hey, what book are you reading?
Him: "The Twisted Ones."
Me: Uh, I guess that book is pretty twisted.
Girls are like math; if they're under ten, then you use your fingers.
How do you know a hippie is on her period?
Her socks are missing.
How do you know she's off?
Her socks are tye-dye.
Little girls are like basic math. If they're under 13, you do them in your head.
Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin!
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.
Two pedos are on the beach.
One pedo said, "Hey, get out of my son!"
How do you tell when a blonde just lost her virginity?
Her crayons are still wet.
Why are there so many jokes about Chuck Norris, but not about Bruce Lee?
Bruce Lee was no joking matter.
Why are mountains so funny? Because they're hill-arious! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, very funny!
How are a woman and a car alike? Put something in them and they'll both start.
These are ear-retcal jokes...
Fail.