Ares jokes
Why wasn't the infant's entire body found?
Because the limbs are scattered around 43°17.7355’N, 113°58.4205’W.
AR-15: Who are you?
Musket: I'm you, but from another timeline.
Doctor: “I have good and bad news.”
Patient: “Give me the good news first.”
Doctor: “Your test results are back and you have only two days to live.”
Patient: “That’s the good news? What’s the bad news?”
Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”
Patient: Where are you taking me, doctor?
Doctor: The morgue.
Patient: Hang on! I'm not dead yet!
Doctor: And we're not there yet!
Why are orphans lucky?
Because they can get in trouble and nobody can tell their parents.
Are you a walnut, because I'm about to nut all over your walls!
Why are basketball courts slippery?
Because the players dribble on it.
I was being interviewed by Elon Musk. He asked, "Where are you from?" and I said Portugal. He replied, "So you are a fellow countryman of a Pen merchant whose freekick ball broke my rover on Mars. Get out!!" Tears ran down my face. Shame on you, Penaldo, for costing me my dream job!
A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."
Are you a plane? Because I wanna be in control of you for a few hours.
My pansexual son was asked to form a sentence with a word "Carry" on his zoom class earlier on today and he said "Pessi was carried by Iniesta and Neymar to his Mickey Mouse UCL". He received a standing ovation. Children are our hope and I'm proud of the education system!
What is a cannibal's favorite place to go? An orphanage. What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
RYAN MY BELOVED SON WHERE ARE YOU?
Why do emo kids wear hoodies all the time?
Because they are hiding stitches.
Women be like if men are gone, Earth would be a better place, (forgetting) women help to create war, weapons, animal and human cruelty, and have helped to enforce laws that oppress them.
Women be like men are trash, [but] forgets women raised those men.
Roses are red, violets are blue, don't let your kids next to Prince Andrew.
Women say their baby daddies are trash like... woman, didn't he impregnate you and didn't he win your heart? I mean, he's not trash, you are!
Roses are red, violets are blue, Tory shirts step in doodoo.
Roses are red, violets are blue, you look like Honey Boo Boo!