ANS jokes
A 14 year old girl was walking back home late at night, then a man was following her. An hour later, she got back home not only had she lost the stranger, but also her virginity.
What's the difference between a grape and an elephant?
I don't know, what?
They are both purple except for the elephant.
Man, don't you hate it when you hit a speed bump by an orphanage but then realize there's no speed bumps here...
An older retired couple - the wife had grown tired of her husband farting in bed each night. One morning she put some chicken parts under the blankets in bed next to him and went off to make some coffee.
A few minutes later she hears a loud fart followed by a blood curdling scream. He comes out after a while and says, "Hon, you were right that I would fart my guts out. Took me the longest to put them back in."
What do you get when you have an annoying kid, a homicidal kid, and a suicidal kid in the same room? A happy ending.
What's the difference between an ISIS militant base and a Pakistani children's school?
I don't know, I just fly the drone.
Where is an elephant’s penis?
On their feet, because if you get trampled on, you’re fucked.
What happens when an emo kid loses a Kahoot? He gets a 25 kill streak.
What's the difference between an ISIS training center and a school?
I don't know, I just fly the drone.
An 80-year-old blind man asks his grandson, "Can you grab my glasses?"
Then the grandson says, "Did you get in the flour again?"
Grandpa said, "No, it was the weed."
What's the difference between an onion and a baby?
One makes you cry when you cut it up.
What do you get when an American talks to an Aussie and a Kiwi?
Two Aussie.
If the broccoli said, "I look like a tree," then what did the mushroom say?
"I look like an umbrella."
Q: What's the difference between an egg and me?
A: An egg gets laid.
Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."
The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."
The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"
Just watched an upsetting video. Please retweet. #Stop The Make-A-Wish Foundation.
Why did little Billy drop his ice cream?
He was hit by an ice cream truck.
An apple a day can do so much more than keep the doctor away... it can keep ANYONE away. if you throw it hard enough.
Q. What did Hitler give his niece for her birthday?
A. An easy bake oven.
“What happens to an Asian man when he runs into a brick wall with an erection?”
“A broken nose.”