How did the shark do on his math test?
Jawesome!
The other day a squirrel asked me for a job. I asked him, "What jobs did you have previously?"
Calmly he answered, "I am a pilot. I can pick it up from here and pile it over there. I also can fly a sign!"
"Too bad, this is a nut cannery, and we're 100% automated. We don't need anyone at this time, sorry."
"No worries, I'm totally nuts anyway. Guess I'll fly a sign across town, don't have bus fare!"
How many squirrels does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but how they got in there's the real mystery!
Hi, how are you? Busy doing today? Did I have to text more today after dinner? I did text, and you have been to the vet and walk walk home from home and walk walk home 🏠. Night is so nice 👍. I did not walk away, but you don’t want me to text me to let you know when I get home, can you walk?
What's the difference between meat and fish?
If you beat your fish, it'll die.
What's the difference between a man's wife and his dog?
Lock them both in the trunk for three hours and see which is happy to see you when you open it.
One man's pet is another man's dinner.
Boy: Crap, I hit a deer.
Girl: Awe... I guess it’s not so much of a dear.
Boy: ...
Boy: Get the hell out!
What do squirrels eat?
Nuts. 🥜
Why can’t orphans have a horse?
Because they run away like their mum did.
Koalas ʕ •ᴥ• ʔ are booooooooooooooooo👎
What do you call a bloody pig?
HAMorrhage!
"Bitch, I’m a cow, bitchhhhh."
Why did the T-Rex 🦖 get a ticket?
He ran at a stomp light!
Cow A: I slept with your sister!
Cow B: Never knew my brother was a girl!
All the other cows:
:O
It's amazing how dog owners can make their dogs shout different things. For example, Czech dogs go "barf," American dogs go "woof," and Chinese dogs go "sizzle."
What kind of dogs do miners like best?
Golden retrievers, haha, get it?
How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut!
What vehicle does a frog 🐸 drive?
The Beetle!
What animal can not be trusted?
A lion 🦁.
