And jokes
What's the difference between yes and no...
Nothing.
One day in class, little Johnny was mucking around, not listening to the teacher. After 5 minutes, the teacher caught him, finished what she was saying, and said, "Little Johnny, if you weren’t listening, what was the last thing I said?" And little Johnny replied back, "You said, 'What was the last thing I said?'"
I got arrested on suspicion of attempted rape all because I was carrying some cable ties, a bit of tape and a piece of cloth. It's such a joke, I hadn't even bought the chloroform yet.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Little Johnny walked into his house. He heard a banging sound from up above and decided to investigate. He opened the door to his parents' room and saw his naked mom and the woman next door. He thought they were wrestling and decided to join in.
Memes
Chuck Norris threw one Pokéball and caught 'em all.
What’s the difference between emos and Hitler?
Hitler didn’t post on social media when he wanted to kill himself.
What's the difference between Johnny Depp and an orphan?
An orphan is more capable of speaking clearly.
Better call NASA and tell them there are only going to be 7 planets after I destroy URANUS.
Moms have Mother's Day and dads have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.
What's the difference between you and eggs? Eggs get laid.
When a school shooter walks to the intercom and plays Pumped Up Kicks.
How do you confuse Helen Keller? You rearrange the furniture and glue doorknobs to the walls.
What is the difference between a suicidal person and you? None, you are both dead on the inside.
Little Johnny walks in on his grandfather smoking a cigar.
“May I smoke a cigar?” asks Johnny.
The grandpa replies, “Well, does your dick touch your asshole?”
Johnny replied, “No,” and left the room.
The next day Johnny sees his grandpa getting into a car.
“Can I drive the car?” asks Johnny.
“Does your dick touch your asshole?”
“No.”
The day after that, Grandpa sees Johnny about to eat a cookie.
“Johnny, may I have some of your cookie?” asked the grandpa.
“Does your dick touch your asshole, grandpa?”
“Yep.”
“Then go fuck yourself, this is my cookie.”
I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" The man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon."
An American and an Asian walk into a bar. What are your names? the bartender asks. The American says, "William Matthews." The Asian says, "Same Ting."
A beautiful woman is on the ledge of a bridge about to commit suicide.
A homeless man walks by her and says, "What are you doing?"
She says, "I'm going to jump!"
The homeless man says, "If you're going to kill yourself, do you wanna have sex with me first?"
The woman replies, "No way, creep! Never that!"
The homeless man doesn't seem bothered and says, "That's fine, I'll just wait 'til you're at the bottom."
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
The snowballs.
What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?
One gets picked.... (not the orphan)