And jokes

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

It's all shits and giggles till somebody giggles and shits.

Chuck Norris threw one Pokéball and caught 'em all.

What's the difference between Johnny Depp and an orphan?

An orphan is more capable of speaking clearly.

Little Johnny walked into his house. He heard a banging sound from up above and decided to investigate. He opened the door to his parents' room and saw his naked mom and the woman next door. He thought they were wrestling and decided to join in.

What’s the difference between emos and Hitler?

Hitler didn’t post on social media when he wanted to kill himself.

Better call NASA and tell them there are only going to be 7 planets after I destroy URANUS.

Moms have Mother's Day and dads have Father's Day. What do single guys have?

Palm Sunday.

What's the difference between you and eggs? Eggs get laid.

How do you confuse Helen Keller? You rearrange the furniture and glue doorknobs to the walls.

What is the difference between a suicidal person and you? None, you are both dead on the inside.

Little Johnny walks in on his grandfather smoking a cigar.

“May I smoke a cigar?” asks Johnny.

The grandpa replies, “Well, does your dick touch your asshole?”

Johnny replied, “No,” and left the room.

The next day Johnny sees his grandpa getting into a car.

“Can I drive the car?” asks Johnny.

“Does your dick touch your asshole?”

“No.”

The day after that, Grandpa sees Johnny about to eat a cookie.

“Johnny, may I have some of your cookie?” asked the grandpa.

“Does your dick touch your asshole, grandpa?”

“Yep.”

“Then go fuck yourself, this is my cookie.”

I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" The man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon."

An American and an Asian walk into a bar. What are your names? the bartender asks. The American says, "William Matthews." The Asian says, "Same Ting."

A beautiful woman is on the ledge of a bridge about to commit suicide.

A homeless man walks by her and says, "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm going to jump!"

The homeless man says, "If you're going to kill yourself, do you wanna have sex with me first?"

The woman replies, "No way, creep! Never that!"

The homeless man doesn't seem bothered and says, "That's fine, I'll just wait 'til you're at the bottom."

What do the Twin Towers and gender have in common? There used to be two of them, but now it's a sensitive topic.

What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

The snowballs.

In Boston we say,

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, unzipped his fly and said ‘Hey Jill, you wanna?’ Jill said yes, unzipped her dress, and then they had a ‘daughta’" 🤣

What does your mum and Istanbul have in common?

They are all insane comebacks!!!

My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.