And jokes

My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.

What starts with M and ends with carriage?

This joke never gets old, but then again neither does the baby.

What do teen mothers and their unborn babies have in common?

They're both thinking "Oh my God, my mom's gonna kill me!"

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs, at your front door?

Matt.

What do the Twin Towers and gender have in common? There used to be two of them, but now it's a sensitive topic.

In Boston we say,

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, unzipped his fly and said ‘Hey Jill, you wanna?’ Jill said yes, unzipped her dress, and then they had a ‘daughta’" 🤣

Oxygen and potassium went on a date. I heard it was OK.

It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

"Yes or No," she replied.

What does your mum and Istanbul have in common?

They are all insane comebacks!!!

I was talking to my friend, and he said, "I lost my virginity to a girl, and then she stopped coming to school." And I said, "Probably because she was fired."

Bro's hair looks like Buzz Lightyear, going to infinity and beyond!

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast."

"I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees.

After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The... bastard.....used.....coins."

Little Johnny got a train set for Christmas. He takes it around the circle, parks it at the station, and says, "Alright, you motherfuckers get off here, and you motherfuckers get off here." His mom comes rushing in and says, "Little Johnny, we don’t use that kind of language, go to your room and think about what you did!"

After a few hours, she lets him out of his room. He goes back to play with his train set. He takes it around the circle, parks it at the station, and says, "Okay, you guys get off here, and you guys get off here. And if you have any complaints about the two hour delay, take it up with the bitch in the kitchen."

When your mom tries to hit you with the belt but misses and hits herself... #victoryroyale

What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common? They both let little kids sit on their lap.

What do city plumbers and pedophiles have in common?

They both lay pipes in public parks.

Some day, Canada will take over the world. -- And then we'll all be sorry.

In what ways do nuns and hoes have something in common?

They both worship on their knees. They are both creatures of habit. They both take vows of poverty and obedience. Once chosen, neither can leave the life. They both swallow their hosts.

So a guy named Nathaniel just came home, and when he enters his sister’s room, he sees her f***ing a piece of broccoli. And Nathaniel says, “Abbie, what’s wrong with you? I was going to eat that later, and now it smells like broccoli!”

Two cannibals are eating a clown, when one cannibal looks up and asks the other cannibal: "Does he taste funny to you?"