And jokes

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

What's the difference between my sister and my phone? I don't give a damn if my phone dies.

What's the difference between you and a fridge? The fridge doesn't moan when I put my meat in.

So the other day, I was looking up zodiac sign stuff, you know, I'm a real big fan of that, and I come across this thing and it’s like all zodiac signs have their own hairstyles... except Cancer.

What's Stephen Hawking's favorite shampoo? Heads and Shoulders?

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.

The boy turns to the man and says, "Hey mister, it's getting dark out, and I’m scared... Can we go back now?"

So the man says: "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone!"

A man is sitting on a bench at a playground where children are playing. A man named Chris comes up and asks, “Which one is yours?” The man said, “I don’t know, I’m still deciding.”

19 and 20 had a fight. 21.

For boys, life is a lot like a penis: simple, soft, straight, relaxed, and hanging freely......... then a woman makes it really hard.😩😉😏

I went to my boss's funeral and knelt down to his coffin and whispered, "Whose late now?"

If you're ever angry, go ahead and punch an orphan. What are they gonna do, tell their parents?

I asked the little German girl to rate our sex between 1-10. She kept crying and shouting "9!"

That's the best I've done so far.

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?

The apple gets picked.

Santa and Bill Cosby's favorite quote: "Don't be dumb, make sure they're numb, and always use a condom!"

What do women and airplanes have in common?

A cockpit.

Yo mama so poor she walked into an elevator and thought it was a mobile home.

What's the difference between a Lambo and a boner?

Your sister didn't give me a Lambo.

What is the difference between the rook and the bishop? The rook goes straight, while the bishop moves diagonally.

What does a gay man that is a dumb blonde and who is a prostitute do after he sucks cock?

Spit out the feathers.

What's the difference between a feminist and Hitler?

Both were good at starting wars, only difference was Hitler knew when to kill himself afterwards.