And jokes

I asked for emotional support. They handed me a mirror and said, "Talk to someone who cares."

What do blind kids and orphans have in common? Neither of them can see their parents.

Ever heard of the show "Naked and Afraid"? That's what I call hide-and-seek with my uncle.

Fuck it, suicide is wrong, but if you jump off a bridge and yell "parkour," it's a failed stunt.

What's the difference between a grape, an apple, and an arm? You don't slice a grape.

What do you do when you finish a magazine at a hospital?

Reload and keep shooting.

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy.

But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jill's real name is Randy.

My family is like a treasure.

You need a map and shovel to find them.

A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike, if the rubber breaks, you're f**ked.

Bleach solves so many problems: stains, dirty dishes, messes, and overpopulation.

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

When I was watching my daughter at the park earlier, another parent asked a man, "Which one is yours?" and he replied, "I'm still choosing." She looked horrified.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

What do the twin towers and my ex-girlfriend have in common? They both went down on my dad.

Kids in the backseat make accidents, and accidents in the back seat make kids.

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy," to which Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, I'm divorcing her because she's f**king Goofy."

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.

"Go big or go home," that's what some people say.

"Go loud and proud," that's what other people say.

"Go out with a big, loud bang!" that's what I say.