And jokes

Bro sat down too close for comfort. I told him to move or he would get hurt.

Come on, how hard could it possibly be To move a few inches? You’re touching my D.

A guy really needs his personal space. Disobey and I’ll shove it in your face.

Your forehead is so big, they used it for the Berlin Wall and the USA border.

Two nuns are riding their bikes down a cobblestone path.

One nun turns to the other one and says, "I’ve never come this way."

The other one says, "Neither have I. It must be the cobblestones."

“If you're a dwarf and you're offended by that, grow up.”

I piss on blind kids and tell them it's raining.

I learned how to say "virgin" in German: "Good and tight."

What's the difference between Canada and the USA?

In the USA, Trump is sitting in the Oval Office.

In Canada, he'd be sitting in the waiting room of a MAiD clinic.

When I was doing ju jitsu at my neighbor's cat, I accidentally created a whirlpool and then ate a mango mustard bar.

I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.

What's red and spins really fast?

Kurt Cobain's ceiling fan.

What's the difference between a priest and a rabbi? A rabbi cuts it off, a priest sucks it off.

What do the Twin Towers and genders have in common?

There were two when we were kids, but now it’s a touchy subject.

A team of cops and a news reporter are at a home where a violent crime has been committed. The head news reporter, in front of the camera, says, "A woman in this house has killed her husband because he stepped on the floor while she was mopping." He then turns around and asks a cop, "Has the woman been arrested yet?" The cop replies, "Not yet, we're waiting for the floor to dry."

What the difference between a priest and acne

Acne waits till your 13 to cum on your face

Jesus walks into a motel, puts three nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

What is the difference between a male prostitute who is a Democrat and a male prostitute who is a Republican?

When Republicans perform fellatio for money, it is called prostitution, but when Democrats perform fellatio for money, it is called a donation to their political campaign.

POV: You keep having auditory hallucinations and fully believe your house is haunted because you never went and got diagnosed for schizophrenia.

I was at my grandparents' and saw someone breaking into a car. I told my grandpa, "He's trying to break into the car!" He said, "No, ours is in the garden."

What's the difference between a six-year-old and a submarine?

I've never been inside a submarine.

What do you call a guy with no body and nose?

No body nose