American jokes
In 2016, Americans took "Orange is the New Black" to a whole other level.
Three people explored the jungles, one was from France, one from Britain, and the other from America.
While exploring, they were captured by the tribe living there. The tribesmen told the three, "You three have invaded our territory, so we must kill you and use your bodies to create canoes. However, we aren't that heartless, so we'll let you choose your deaths."
So the French guy asked for a gun, pointed to his head, and said "Viva la France!" and shot himself. The Britain guy requested poison and said, "For the Queen!" and drank the poison. Lastly, the American asked for a spoon. The tribesmen were confused but still gave him the spoon. When the American got the spoon, he started stabbing himself, "Try make a canoe out of this one!"
How do Americans learn the metric system?
9mm at a time. The problem is sometimes it goes straight through their heads.
What's a similarity between Harvey Weinstein's pants and American bombs?
They both drop unannounced and leave mass casualties.
When an American goes on a scale, the other person will say, "I asked for your weight, not your phone number!"
Why are Americans so bad at Chess?
They're missing two towers.
I know why Asian's eyes are always closed. It's because Americans are so fat and ugly.
What did the Brit say to the American?
Well here comes fascism.
What show do orphans hate?
"American Dad."
American-accented, British pronunciation, what am I?
Either Canadian or European.
A Japanese person comes to America and sees guns everywhere. One American says, "Welcome to America!"
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.
The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.
They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"
Why are so many Americans stupid? Because they shoot the ones that go to school.
Q. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? A. Same middle name! 😂
Why are Americans so bad at class royals?
Because they already lost 2 towers.
Decisions taken by world leaders often have great significance during a crisis.
The Americans, in particular, are suffering many losses during the current global pandemic. Remember, in the 1980's they had Ronald Reagan, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope.
In 2020 they have Donald Trump, no Cash, and no Hope!
How do you sink an American battleship?
Have the French build it.
Americans: Miles per hour.
Europeans: Bullets per kid...
Three people died and went to Hell. One of them is from America, the second guy is from Germany, and the third guy is from Afghanistan. The devil lets each person make a phone call to their loved ones in the country they came from, but they will be charged. The American spends 10 minutes on the phone and is charged $20. The German spends 12 minutes on the phone and is charged $24. The man from Afghanistan spends half an hour on the phone and is charged nothing. The other two guys asked the devil why. The devil responded: "Local calls are free."
Where is Colorado?