American jokes
Islamist guys and American Christian right-wing guys are both similar in that both abhor the existence of gay people, but only the Christian Right loves to eat sausages, especially the little ones, if you know what I mean...
An American and an Asian walk into a bar. What are your names? the bartender asks. The American says, "William Matthews." The Asian says, "Same Ting."
Why are so many Americans stupid? Because they shoot the ones that go to school.
The American salute starts with your hand facing flat towards the ground on your head.
The British salute starts with your hand against your head just like the American salute.
The French salute starts with your hands in the air.
The Saudi salute starts with you being bent over with a camel tongue in your ass.
Why are Americans such good marksmen?
Because they had plenty of schools to practice their shooting.
Smoking a fag in Britain: 🚬
Smoking a fag in America: hate crime.
Why cant Americans play chess?
Because they lost their towers...
American-accented, British pronunciation, what am I?
Either Canadian or European.
Americans prefer houses with basements. In fact, they're best cellars!
Three people explored the jungles, one was from France, one from Britain, and the other from America.
While exploring, they were captured by the tribe living there. The tribesmen told the three, "You three have invaded our territory, so we must kill you and use your bodies to create canoes. However, we aren't that heartless, so we'll let you choose your deaths."
So the French guy asked for a gun, pointed to his head, and said "Viva la France!" and shot himself. The Britain guy requested poison and said, "For the Queen!" and drank the poison. Lastly, the American asked for a spoon. The tribesmen were confused but still gave him the spoon. When the American got the spoon, he started stabbing himself, "Try make a canoe out of this one!"
What do you get when an American talks to an Aussie and a Kiwi?
Two Aussie.
American: How do you use a PC?
Amish: We use a potato.
Who is Stephen Hawking's wife?
The American Siri.
What's the difference between a gun and a penis?
The American government does not define you as having the constitutional right to a penis.
Young man: "Very good money, and how about the name of the stupid young man again?"
Friend: "Dagobert Duck."
Young man: "Ah, I remember. He was the American useless."
Friend: "Ah, you mean Donald Trump?"
Young man: "Yes, just like that! I know exactly how the guy managed to become president. Hahaha!!!"
American says: "US mein shaadi E-mail se hoti hai..."
Sardar ji says: "Accha, India me to shaadi.....Fe-mail se hoti hai...!!!"
Why do Americans suck at chess? Because they lost two towers.
One way to not pick up a girl is to say, “Are you an American school because I wanna shoot kids into you?” I tried it on a girl, and she is now terrified to come near me.
How was I supposed to know she was already pregnant?
American: I've never shot a gun.
African: That's the first coming from an American!
What's common in vampires and American kids?
They both don't get old.