American jokes

What's the difference between an American school and a shooting range?

My dick doesn't get hard at the shooting range.

American soldier: "Did you come here to die?"

Australian soldier: "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterdie."

what do you call an American looking at cloud shapes?

Oppenheimer

An American bully goes up to an English kid and says, "You're ugly!"

And the English kid says, "Well, wanna know why you can't play Jenga?"

"Why?" says the bully.

"Because you haven't got a tower."

How many white police officers does it take to push an African-American gentleman down the stairs?

Push?! He fell...

Every culture has weird food.

Australians eat vegemite. The British eat haggis. The French eat snails. The Chinese eat dogs. The Americans eat their young siblings' private parts.

So Americans strongly worship Donald Trump, eh? Well, let's put that claim to the test by throwing him into the general population of Rikers Island.

An American is touring the Soviet Union. A Russian takes him to a school so he can see what it's like. He asks the kids if they like the Soviet Union. All of the kids say yes, they love it. All but one. That kid bursts out crying. The American asks what's wrong, and he cries, "I want to live in the Soviet Union!"

The American Dream is real. It's just set and filmed in Toronto and not Texas.

Did you know that Americans fall out of both sides of the bed?

The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:

"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."

The commander starts answering:

"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"

"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"

"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"

After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:

"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"

Well, being an American is just a joke itself.

Why don't Japanese people like iPhones?

Because they are afraid of American airdrops.

If the American Dream exists, why is it always filmed in Canada?

Americans: I will cook the pizza.

Italians: I cooka de pizza!

What's black and white and red all over? An American School.

When you have a hand clock it goes tic-tac.

When an American has it go backwards, it's tactic.

This Native American won't stop talking bad about me, so I said, "Please stop acting like you first discovered this land belonged to your ancestors!"

If you're American when you go in the bathroom and you're American when you come out, what are you in the bathroom?

European.

How do you turn a Chinese person into an American? Put a bag of ice on their eyes.