Alcohol jokes
"Jesus can turn water into wine, but I can turn your mother into mine."
- Sun Tzu, *The Art of Creating War*
What is an orphan's favorite beer?
Fosters.
Yo, barber fucked up so bad he had to get a breathalyzer test.
"Fuckin blakfellas be drunk all the time," slurred Barry McKenzie over his tenth pint of guiness.
What did the full glass say to the empty glass? "You look drunk!"
Memes
James Bond: Vodka martini.
Bartender: Shaken, not stirred.
James Bond: Do I look like I give a damn?
A guy walks into an AA meeting and asks for a road map.
An Irishman walked past a bar.
Why was Helen Keller slurring her fingers?
She was drunk.
Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive.
If a man and a woman need a marriage license to get married, does a lesbian couple need a liquor license to get married?
What do you call a drunk cat? A drunk cat.
My hips can't move, but Heineken.
So, my dad was drinking, so he was drunk, and I was sad. But can you be my friend, please?
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can't drink and derive.
Did you hear about Alicia's car accident?
She was really drunk and all over the road until she was all over the road.
How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool?
"Please get out of the pool."
A note for my old English Teacher:
Mr. Colin, who loves making a din, He thinks everyone loves him, but little does he know, That's not what everyone shows, About his life he ploughs and ploughs, About his dog Bella and his relationship woes... Mr. Colin, we do not care, When you speak, our minds are not there, Your life you have unnecessarily shared, When we see you, our eyesight is impaired... Mr. Colin, rumbling about his exceptions, Just when someone puts something in the bin, Or chatters to someone, not even causing a din, But Mr. Colin, drinking too much gin, Will flail all his annoying attention on him, He'll push his limits, right to the rim...
And just how I love flan! Oh, he's finally gone!
If you drink hand sanitizer, does it only kill 99.9% of you?...........💀
Don't drink and park.
Accidents cause people.