Alcohol jokes

What happened the night Stephen Hawking came home wasted?

Nothing... wife couldn’t tell.

Christopher and Tony were tempted for a beer, but they only had 2 dollars each.

Christopher got an idea and ran away to the butcher to see if he could get something good. He came back with a sausage. So they went to a pub and ordered 2 beers and 2 whiskeys.

"Are you crazy?!" said Tony to Christopher. "We don't have any money!"

"Take it easy now," said Christopher. "I have a plan."

When they finished drinking everything up, Christopher put the sausage through his own zipper and begged Tony to bend on his knees and take the sausage with his mouth.

The bartender saw what they did and threw them out without even paying. So Christopher and Tony kept doing the same thing pub after pub after pub.

After the 10th pub, Tony said: "I can't do this anymore. I am drunk, and my knees are in too much pain to even handle the walk."

"How do you think I feel?" said Christopher, exhausted. "I dropped the sausage in the 3rd pub!"

Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive.

James Bond: Vodka martini.

Bartender: Shaken, not stirred.

James Bond: Do I look like I give a damn?

A guy walks into an AA meeting and asks for a road map.

An Irishman walked past a bar.

"Fuckin blakfellas be drunk all the time," slurred Barry McKenzie over his tenth pint of guiness.

What did the full glass say to the empty glass? "You look drunk!"

What is an orphan's favorite beer?

Fosters.

"Jesus can turn water into wine, but I can turn your mother into mine."

- Sun Tzu, *The Art of Creating War*

Yo, barber fucked up so bad he had to get a breathalyzer test.

Why was Helen Keller slurring her fingers?

She was drunk.

How do women hold their liquor? By the ears.

My hips can't move, but Heineken.

What do you call a drunk cat? A drunk cat.

So, my dad was drinking, so he was drunk, and I was sad. But can you be my friend, please?

Why do they never serve beer at a math party?

Because you can't drink and derive.

Did you hear about Alicia's car accident?

She was really drunk and all over the road until she was all over the road.

How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool?

"Please get out of the pool."

A note for my old English Teacher:

Mr. Colin, who loves making a din, He thinks everyone loves him, but little does he know, That's not what everyone shows, About his life he ploughs and ploughs, About his dog Bella and his relationship woes... Mr. Colin, we do not care, When you speak, our minds are not there, Your life you have unnecessarily shared, When we see you, our eyesight is impaired... Mr. Colin, rumbling about his exceptions, Just when someone puts something in the bin, Or chatters to someone, not even causing a din, But Mr. Colin, drinking too much gin, Will flail all his annoying attention on him, He'll push his limits, right to the rim...

And just how I love flan! Oh, he's finally gone!