Why was Helen Keller slurring her fingers?
She was drunk.
Alcohol Jokes
What is an orphan's favorite beer?
Fosters.
What would you throw between a priest and a nun? A bottle of whiskey.
Yo, barber fucked up so bad he had to get a breathalyzer test.
An Irishman walked past a bar.
Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive.
If a man and a woman need a marriage license to get married, does a lesbian couple need a liquor license to get married?
My uncle is an alchemist.
He can turn 3 bottles of beer into 4 hours of abuse.
My hips can't move, but Heineken.
I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.
So, my dad was drinking, so he was drunk, and I was sad. But can you be my friend, please?
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can't drink and derive.
Did you hear about Alicia's car accident?
She was really drunk and all over the road until she was all over the road.
How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool?
"Please get out of the pool."
A note for my old English Teacher:
Mr. Colin, who loves making a din, He thinks everyone loves him, but little does he know, That's not what everyone shows, About his life he ploughs and ploughs, About his dog Bella and his relationship woes... Mr. Colin, we do not care, When you speak, our minds are not there, Your life you have unnecessarily shared, When we see you, our eyesight is impaired... Mr. Colin, rumbling about his exceptions, Just when someone puts something in the bin, Or chatters to someone, not even causing a din, But Mr. Colin, drinking too much gin, Will flail all his annoying attention on him, He'll push his limits, right to the rim...
And just how I love flan! Oh, he's finally gone!
If you drink hand sanitizer, does it only kill 99.9% of you?...........💀
A pirate walks into a bar and has a ship's wheel in his pants.
The bartender asks, "What's with the wheel in your pants?"
The pirate replies, "Yarrr! It's drivin' me nuts!"
Don't drink and park.
Accidents cause people.
Question: Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?
Answer: Tequila
So, there are these 3 strings, they walk into a bar. People are giving them looks. The small chap is your typical thin cord. He walks to the barman and asks for a rum and coke. He replies, "Oii, your kind ain't welcomed here, so take your drink, mates, and fuck off."
He goes back to his mates and says, "We'd better get outta here." "Nonsense," replies the mid guy, he's your typical string. Goes to the barman and same story. Finally the last guy, he's your typical rope. He burst out, "Fuck this!" He twits and ties himself whilst messing up his hair. He struts up to the barman and asks for a rum and coke. The barman does so and whilst he prepares the drink, he opens with, "Say, aren't you a string?" "No, I'm a frayed knot."
