Alcohol jokes
A man who drinks a lot is told by his wife that if he ever gets drunk again she will leave him.
Later, the man goes to a pub and drinks a lot and throws up all down his jacket. 'Oh no,' he says to his friend, 'if I go home like this again, my wife will leave me.' 'Don't worry,' his friend says. 'Put a £20 note in your jacket pocket. When your wife challenges you, produce the money and say another man threw up on you and gave you the £20 note for the dry cleaning.' 'Brilliant!' the man says and goes home. He walks through his front door and his wife sees him. She is furious. 'No no,' the man says, producing the money from his inside pocket. 'A man threw up on me and gave me £20 for the dry cleaning.' 'What's the other £20 note for?' asks his wife. 'Ah, that's from the man who shat in my pants.....'
What happened the night Stephen Hawking came home wasted?
Nothing... wife couldn’t tell.
Christopher and Tony were tempted for a beer, but they only had 2 dollars each.
Christopher got an idea and ran away to the butcher to see if he could get something good. He came back with a sausage. So they went to a pub and ordered 2 beers and 2 whiskeys.
"Are you crazy?!" said Tony to Christopher. "We don't have any money!"
"Take it easy now," said Christopher. "I have a plan."
When they finished drinking everything up, Christopher put the sausage through his own zipper and begged Tony to bend on his knees and take the sausage with his mouth.
The bartender saw what they did and threw them out without even paying. So Christopher and Tony kept doing the same thing pub after pub after pub.
After the 10th pub, Tony said: "I can't do this anymore. I am drunk, and my knees are in too much pain to even handle the walk."
"How do you think I feel?" said Christopher, exhausted. "I dropped the sausage in the 3rd pub!"
Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive.
How do women hold their liquor? By the ears.
Why was Helen Keller slurring her fingers?
She was drunk.
What is an orphan's favorite beer?
Fosters.
"Fuckin blakfellas be drunk all the time," slurred Barry McKenzie over his tenth pint of guiness.
What did the full glass say to the empty glass? "You look drunk!"
"Jesus can turn water into wine, but I can turn your mother into mine."
- Sun Tzu, *The Art of Creating War*
Yo, barber fucked up so bad he had to get a breathalyzer test.
An Irishman walked past a bar.
A guy walks into an AA meeting and asks for a road map.
Why do Russians drink grizzly bear piss?
Since vodka in Russia is so weak, Russians need a strong drink to get drunk.
My hips can't move, but Heineken.
What’s the difference between a man and a margarita?
A margarita hits the spot every time.
What do you call a drunk cat? A drunk cat.
So, my dad was drinking, so he was drunk, and I was sad. But can you be my friend, please?
Did you hear about Alicia's car accident?
She was really drunk and all over the road until she was all over the road.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can't drink and derive.