I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."
What is an orphanβs favorite beer?
Fosters.
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Why did the pope drink horse piss? Because a priest asked him what would he do for a Klondike bar? π€ͺ π
One day a father went out for some cold beer and threw the 18 pack in the back seat on top of the infant in the car seat. Fortunately, it was light beer.
Dmitri! Where's my vodka?
What do you call two lesbians in a closet?
A liquor cabinet.
A mushroom walked into a pub.
He asked the bartender to give him a beer.
The bartender said, "I can't, you'll get too rowdy."
The mushroom then said, "Oh come on! When I drink, I'm a fun guy!"
Q: What do American beer and canoes have in common?
A: Fu@king close to water!
Q: What is the difference between two bottles of Whiskey and 2 pretty feminist girls?
A: You don't leave the bottles in the cold and dark forest after you and your 9 friends are finished with them.
A midget walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says no.
The midget asks why. The bartender says, "You're a little drunk!"
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender said, "Why the long face?"
A man who drinks a lot is told by his wife that if he ever gets drunk again she will leave him.
Later, the man goes to a pub and drinks a lot and throws up all down his jacket. 'Oh no,' he says to his friend, 'if I go home like this again, my wife will leave me.' 'Don't worry,' his friend says. 'Put a Β£20 note in your jacket pocket. When your wife challenges you, produce the money and say another man threw up on you and gave you the Β£20 note for the dry cleaning.' 'Brilliant!' the man says and goes home. He walks through his front door and his wife sees him. She is furious. 'No no,' the man says, producing the money from his inside pocket. 'A man threw up on me and gave me Β£20 for the dry cleaning.' 'What's the other Β£20 note for?' asks his wife. 'Ah, that's from the man who shat in my pants.....'
What happened the night Stephen Hawking came home wasted?
Nothing... wife couldnβt tell.
Christopher and Tony were tempted for a beer, but they only had 2 dollars each.
Christopher got an idea and ran away to the butcher to see if he could get something good. He came back with a sausage. So they went to a pub and ordered 2 beers and 2 whiskeys.
"Are you crazy?!" said Tony to Christopher. "We don't have any money!"
"Take it easy now," said Christopher. "I have a plan."
When they finished drinking everything up, Christopher put the sausage through his own zipper and begged Tony to bend on his knees and take the sausage with his mouth.
The bartender saw what they did and threw them out without even paying. So Christopher and Tony kept doing the same thing pub after pub after pub.
After the 10th pub, Tony said: "I can't do this anymore. I am drunk, and my knees are in too much pain to even handle the walk."
"How do you think I feel?" said Christopher, exhausted. "I dropped the sausage in the 3rd pub!"
Why was Helen Keller slurring her fingers?
She was drunk.
What would you throw between a priest and a nun? A bottle of whiskey.
Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive.
What did the full glass say to the empty glass? "You look drunk!"
James Bond: Vodka martini.
Bartender: Shaken, not stirred.
James Bond: Do I look like I give a damn?
"Jesus can turn water into wine, but I can turn your mother into mine."
- Sun Tzu, *The Art of Creating War*
