Alcohol jokes
How much alcohol does JFK prefer to drink?
3 shots.
What do alcoholics and amputees have in common?
They are both legless.
I’m not a hard drinker. I actually find it pretty easy.
My wife told me to treat her like a princess, so I got drunk and drove through the tunnel.
James Bond: Vodka martini.
Bartender: Shaken, not stirred.
James Bond: Do I look like I give a damn?
My first name is Al and my last name is Coholic :) #yuengling.f/wat
What is an orphan’s favorite beer?
Fosters.
A shop assistant is helping a little boy find his mum.
"What's she like?" he asked the boy.
"BIG COCKS AND VODKA!" said the boy.
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Why did the pope drink horse piss? Because a priest asked him what would he do for a Klondike bar? 🤪 😜
One day a father went out for some cold beer and threw the 18 pack in the back seat on top of the infant in the car seat. Fortunately, it was light beer.
My uncle is an alchemist.
He can turn 3 bottles of beer into 4 hours of abuse.
6 Germans walk into a bar... and only three walk out.
POV you are drunk and telling jokes and no one is listening 😭😭😭
Dmitri! Where's my vodka?
A Chinese drunk and a Jewish drunk are sitting together on a park bench.
After finishing his drink, the Jew takes his bottle and smashes it over the head of the Chinese drunk.
"What the hell was that for?" asks the Chinese man, rubbing his head.
"That was for Pearl Harbor!" replies the Jewish drunk.
"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese!" he exclaims in return.
"Eh, Chinese, Japanese, Korean... you're all the same to me," the Jewish man explains as he gets up to leave.
The next day, the two drunks are back on the same park bench. The Chinese drunk suddenly takes his bottle and smashes it over the head of the Jew.
"Why the hell did you do that?" the Jewish man stammers.
"That was for the Titanic!" explains the Chinese drunk.
"The Titanic? What are you talking about? No one attacked it, it sunk when it hit an iceberg!" the Jew replies.
"Eh, Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg... you're all the same to me," the Chinese drunk happily retorts.
A mushroom walked into a pub.
He asked the bartender to give him a beer.
The bartender said, "I can't, you'll get too rowdy."
The mushroom then said, "Oh come on! When I drink, I'm a fun guy!"
Q: What do American beer and canoes have in common?
A: Fu@king close to water!
A midget walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says no.
The midget asks why. The bartender says, "You're a little drunk!"
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender said, "Why the long face?"
A man who drinks a lot is told by his wife that if he ever gets drunk again she will leave him.
Later, the man goes to a pub and drinks a lot and throws up all down his jacket. 'Oh no,' he says to his friend, 'if I go home like this again, my wife will leave me.' 'Don't worry,' his friend says. 'Put a £20 note in your jacket pocket. When your wife challenges you, produce the money and say another man threw up on you and gave you the £20 note for the dry cleaning.' 'Brilliant!' the man says and goes home. He walks through his front door and his wife sees him. She is furious. 'No no,' the man says, producing the money from his inside pocket. 'A man threw up on me and gave me £20 for the dry cleaning.' 'What's the other £20 note for?' asks his wife. 'Ah, that's from the man who shat in my pants.....'