Alcohol jokes

Yo, look, they give me and my girl free pizza and a big bottle of rabbit wine. Yay, yay! Don't drink too much of it; you might turn into a wine rabbit.

Pick up line for girls with the last name "Berg":

"I may be a tall glass of whiskey, but I'm nothing without a few ice Bergs."

I like my women like I like my wine: 12 years old, in the basement, and locked up.

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window, and jumps out.

People are like tequila glasses,

you gotta shoot them down fast.

So what does stress and energy mean?

Beer.

Q: Why did the Queer get fired from the sperm bank?

A: He got caught drinking on the job.

We are drunk at the party. There was an ass-ton of drunk girls there with me.

Derrick and Clive. They have a song about a Dad with cancer and other extremely offensive subjects in a routine called "The Non-Stop Dancer." It is very funny, but it is made even funnier by Dudley Moore's drunken and stoned laughter through the song.

One of the best routines ever. Look it up on YouTube. They recorded them in the studio, but they are ad-libbing and extremely drunk.

A man drinks beer and jumps off a tower, and he's okay. The other guy says, "Whoa, how'd you do that?"

He does it again, so the guy gets a beer, the same beer, and jumps off. He died.

The bartender looks at the original man who jumped off and says, "Superman, you're a real butthole whenever you're drunk."

A note for my old English Teacher:

Mr. Colin, who loves making a din, He thinks everyone loves him, but little does he know, That's not what everyone shows, About his life he ploughs and ploughs, About his dog Bella and his relationship woes... Mr. Colin, we do not care, When you speak, our minds are not there, Your life you have unnecessarily shared, When we see you, our eyesight is impaired... Mr. Colin, rumbling about his exceptions, Just when someone puts something in the bin, Or chatters to someone, not even causing a din, But Mr. Colin, drinking too much gin, Will flail all his annoying attention on him, He'll push his limits, right to the rim...

And just how I love flan! Oh, he's finally gone!

Why did the man walk into a bar?

Because he just broke up and he needs alcohol, you dummy!

How do you know Johnny Depp finished his meal?

When you see fifty empty bottles of wine on his front doorstep.

Let's play carpenter. First, we'll get hammered, then I'll nail you.

I fear my last words will be "hold my beer and watch this."

I like my wine like how I like my women: 10 years old and locked in a basement.

Why does Aaron chug beer on a Wednesday?

Because his dad beats him every single day because he has scoliosis.

Royal rebel and push so back, they ever marble say that drink pushback.

"Hold my beer, watch this."

A cop pulls me over and asks if I have been drinking.

I'm an honest person and say yes, I did, so I take off my sunglasses and tell him that I now had 2 glasses less.