I'm gonna open up a bar for emos. I think I'll call it the The Cutting Board.
A woman is slightly drunk, watching a video, when she yells at the screen, "Don't go into that church you dumb bitch!"
Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"
"Our wedding video."
A Chinese Drunk and a Jewish Drunk are sitting together on a park bench...
After finishing his drink the Jew takes his bottle and *smashes* it over the head of the Chinese drunk.
"What the hell was that for?" ask the Chinese man, rubbing his head.
"That was for Pearl Harbor!" replies the Jewish drunk.
"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese!" he exclaims in return.
"Eh, Chinese, Japanese, Korean... you're all the same to me," the Jewish man explains as he gets up to leave.
The next day, the two drunks are back on the same park bench. The Chinese drunk suddenly takes his bottle, and *smashes* it over the head of the Jew.
"Why the hell did you do that?" the Jewish man stammers.
"That was for the Titanic!" explains the Chinese drunk.
"The Titanic? What are you talking about? No one attacked it, it sunk when it hit an iceberg!" the Jew replies.
"Eh, Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg.... you're all the same to me," the Chinese drunk happily retorts.
The Drunk and a priest
On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.
Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:
"Do you know what arthritis is?"
The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges and other things I dare not say."
The drunk widened his eyes, shut up and continued reading the newspaper.
A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:
"How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."
if yall gotta crush on me tell me now before my dad spends my valentines money on crack and alcohol
What do alcoholics and gas prices have in common?
They both get really high.
If you drink hand sanitizer, does it only kill 99.9% of you?...........💀
You do 1 line, you're not a crackhead. You drink 1 beer, you're not an alcoholic. But I murder 1 person...
Gary Glitter was imprisoned for inappropriate relations with preteens. Not to be outdone, Kelly Clarkson exclaimed, "Hold my Bud Light!" whilst grasping her 1-year-old daughter.
Why was Helen Keller slurring her fingers?
She was drunk.
what do you call two lesbians in a closet. A liquor cabinet
Kid: Mum, how do you know someone is drunk?
Mum: See the four birds over there?
Kid: Huh, wait a minute.
Mum: A drunk person would see eight.
Kid: Mum, but there is only two.
A Russian walked into a bar... Unlucky for him I guess, in Soviet Russia, you don’t walk into bars. Bars walk into you.
I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.
A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around, that they offered a standing bet of one thousand dollars that their bartender can squeeze a lemon dry until all the juice ran into a glass, and anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried but failed. Over time Weight Lifters, Lumberjacks, men in the Army, and Etc. But still, nobody could do it. One day, a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet". After the laughter had died down the bartender said "okay" and he grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the Rhine to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to Total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the one thousand dollars and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack a weight lifter or what?". The man simply replied, "I work for the IRS".
Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive.
i had to stop drinking because i got tired of waking up in my car driving 90
What would you throw between a priest and a nun? A bottle of whiskey.
I will never forget my grandpa's last words: What the fuck is in this drink
What does Johnny Depp hate about driving a car?
He can't drink and drive.
