A priest sees a man about to commit suicide. The man says, "I have nothing to live for here. I will die, go to Heaven, and get 72 virgins." Then the priest says, "No need for this. I will take you to the local elementary school."
Afterlife Jokes
Why did Technoblade die?
'Cause he wanted to Skyblock in Heaven!
So, I was watching YouTube, and then my friend says, "Those videos never get old." I replied, "Just like a Make-A-Wish kid." After I said that, he shot me in the head and said, "And now neither do you." Now I’m in Heaven, and God says to me, "Welcome to Paradise where it is summer days, clear skies," and I said, "Are there summer women?" Now here I am in Hell with my buddy Hitler. I believe he’s a hero after he killed Hitler.
A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.
Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."
Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"
Demon: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it."
Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"
Guy: "Golly."
Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."
Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."
Guy: "Wow."
Demon: "You like to do drugs?"
Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."
Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"
Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"
Demon: "You gay?"
Guy: "Uh, no."
Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."
What do you say to someone being cremated? You urned it!
God, you’re having a good day?
Me: Yes, beats burning in hell.
Your mama is so fat, even God couldn't raise her spirit.
You call it death. I call it peace and quiet.
What did the pirate say when he saw a ghost? He said, "Oh my God, it's me dead parrot!"
Why can’t Michael Jackson go more than 500 feet into a school?
Because he’s dead.
Some of you need to go to church. I don't want you in hell with me.
What did one skeleton say to another?
...nothing... they are dead... what did you expect?
For someone to be stealing a bag of gold in Heaven, [they are] a criminal on Earth and [in] Heaven.
-->[]life death[]<--
What did one ghost say to the other?
"Get a life!"
Yo mama so fat that she would die before reaching the gates of heaven.
People ask me, "Are you an organ donor?"
"Yeah, over my dead body!"
What do you call plane crash victims?
Down to earth people.
Whoever kills Hitler goes to heaven.
Oh, wait... never mind...
Why are graveyards so popular? Because people are always dying to get into them.
