Aed jokes

Hi guys, so today I am going to do another blog. It's just for fun, and yeah. Enjoy!

So, this morning, when I woke up, I heard that I was getting new grips. I was so excited. (In case you guys don't know what grips are, they are sort of like gloves that go on your hands and they are for gymnastics bars.) I was excited because my old grips don't fit me anymore and my coach was like, "Oh I can get you some new ones since we have a meet in a week." And so I was like, "Oh, that's fine. My parents ordered me some. Thank you though." And she was like, "Okay, that's fine. Just make sure you have them by next week." So long story short, I have new grips now.

One night I was sitting on my bed in my room, minding my own business. It was pretty late, around 10 PM. The glow of my laptop screen was the only light in the room. I heard a noise coming from behind me. It sounded like the door was opening, but there was no one else in the house.

I turned around and found Mr. Incredible standing in my doorway, a stern look on his face. He walked over to me, slowly and dramatically. Then he leaned over and pointed his finger at my face, only about two inches away now. I was frozen with my back against the wall. Then, Mr. Incredible said something I would never forget: "Stop pirating video games."

Ever since that day, I have never gone on a pirating website and have paid legally for my video games. True story.

How does a cannibal like his meat?

Human.

Me: Hi, my name is...

Bro: Hey guys! So who are you?

Me: Hey, stop dude!

Bro: How is it going, bro--

Me: SHUT UP!

Bro: Is that a gun?

Me: *Pointing at bro*

Bro: Dude, I'm...

Me: *BANG* *BANG*

Me: Finally, it's over.

A guy in a white helmet telling kids to kill themselves.

How do you start a rave in Ethiopia?

You put food on the ceiling and they start jumping.

I know a Chinese joy rider, Tommy Tookamotor.

What do you call a simp, Adrian?

I invented a time-traveling machine and traveled back to Pangea. I warned the dinosaurs about the deadly asteroid. They told me, "It wasn't an asteroid... it was Pionel Pessi's penalty ball ricocheted from Mars that made them extinct." Tears ran down my face. Shame on you, Pessi!

What do you call a skeleton's erection?

A boner.

A transgender woman with cancer of the tits only has to pay for half the operation.

What is a paedophile’s favourite symphony?

Amadeus Mozart’s special flute in A minor.

What's a turtle's favorite thrill ride?

Shell shock!

What do you call a weak, beta, tall and dumb kid? A banana.

But if you're vegan, you call him food.

If you're poor, you eat the skin.

If you give a prostitute money, you will go to jail, but if you give a prostitute a Klondike bar, you will not go to jail. I would rather go to the casino and get more money for my buck.

Yo mama stops at the PokeStop... to buy a Big Mac.

Ever wonder why pride month is so hot?

It's just a free trial of what's to come for the celebrators...

How do you know someone is autistic?

They get stuck in a loop very often.

A calendar asked the doctor how many time he's got left. The doctor replied: "'Til December."

We almost drowned when we went out boating, but I got a watermelon to keep me floating.