Aed jokes

I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."

What do you call a blowjob from a girl who has autism?

Special head.

Why should you always give an emo a high five in the hallway? You can’t leave them hanging.

Q. What's a necrophiliac's favorite dating site? A. Find a Grave.

Q. What does a slutty mermaid get? A. Crabs.

If a pregnant emo kills herself, is that murder-suicide or just abortion?

My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."

How do you tell an Indian person from a Muslim?

Are you 7/11 or 9/11?

The interviewer asked me if I had a criminal record when I was requesting Australian citizenship.

I replied, "No. Is that still required?"

I think my family is racist.

I brought a black girl home, and my wife went crazy and told me to pack my bags, and my kids were upset.

Leave a man on a plane, and he flies for a day.

Throw a man off a plane, and he flies for the rest of his life.

What do you call a Japanese car thief?

Tommy took a motor.

What do women and a Happy Meal have in common?

They both come with a toy.

Q. What do you get when you cross Vince Li with a bus? A. A whole lot of people who wished they'd missed the bus that day.

What's the difference between your mom and a laundromat washer?

The washer doesn't take loads for free.

What's the difference between a prostitute and a Democrat? A Democrat will keep screwing you when you run out of money.

Roses are red, I need a broom, I just shit all over the bathroom.

I’m not saying my life’s a joke. I’m saying it’s the punchline no one asked for.

I asked for emotional support. They handed me a mirror and said, "Talk to someone who cares."

I saw names carved into a tree and thought it was romantic. Until I realized how many people bring knives on dates.