Aed jokes

If R. Kelly was a therapist:

14 year old: I hate my life.

R. Kelly: I feel you.

I like porn a lot. I was wondering if you guys can talk to me.

Why are orphans unable to work at S.C. Johnson?

Because it’s a family business.

My ex was an orphan as a child.

I should have taken that as the first sign.

If her parents didn’t want her, why would I?

An orphan boy at my school did really bad in a test and started crying.

I said, “Don’t worry, your parents won’t say anything.”

Best way to trick your friends:

A brick falls out of a plane.

How do you put an elephant in the fridge? Open the door, put him in, and close the door.

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge? Open the door, take the poor elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door.

The animal kingdom is throwing a party, all the animals are there except for one, who? The giraffe, because he's still in the fridge.

Sally needs to cross the river that is known to be filled with deadly crocodiles, but she crossed safely, how? Because the crocodiles are at the party, but Sally still dies after crossing the river, how? Because she was hit by the flying brick.

Customer: "Can I get this in a smaller size and a different color?"

Employee: "Ma'am, this is an adoption agency, you can't do that here!"

What did the plane say to the tower? "Yo, can I crash at your place for a bit, and can my boy crash at your boy's place?"

I was walking today and I saw an emo with a noose looking up at a tree. I simply said, "Hang on there, bud!"

Your mama is so stupid that she put a ruler under her pillow to see how long she slept.

I find it bemusing that hardcore right-wingers are superfans of Johnny Depp, considering that he looks like a dangerous Mexican drug lord.

What do a prostitute and peanut butter have in common?

They both spread for bread.

Why did Michael Jackson love melted chocolate? Because he could pour it on his cock, then get a prepubescent boy to suck it off.

I want a relationship.

*Masturbates*

I don't want a relationship.

What do you call a group of children who go on strike?

A minor's strike.

Once when I was 6, I had a massive crush on a girl in my grade. She liked me too, and we kissed under a tree.

Next day, same spot, but now she's pregnant. That stupid dad stole my girl!

A baby penguin sat on an iceberg. The baby penguin watched the Titanic sink.

I was at the beach today, and there was a big wave.

Somebody went, "Damn, that crashed harder than the Twin Towers." Jack may have survived the towers, but not the crash.

After the school shooting, Joe pretended to be a victim while his sister ate the flesh of the fallen.

I decided today that I was going to do something with my life, something amazing, and I decided to punch a homeless man.