Aed jokes
I was struggling on a math test when a girl in a wheelchair leaned over and said, "Hey, this is the easiest thing I've done all day."
I was triggered, so the next day when we were doing the pledge, I leaned over and said, "This is the easiest thing I've done all day!"
A man has the power to grant anyone a wish they want.
A kid comes up and says, "I want to be like Batman!"
The man smiles and grants his wish. The child goes home and finds that he is now an orphan.
Being raped is like a dance; sometimes it hurts, sometimes it hurts more.
What do you call a pig that goes to the slaughterhouse? Technoblade.
If Hitler was a comedian, he would use laughing gas.
What's the difference between a gay man and a hairline?
The hairline is way straighter.
What does an Emo do with his friends?
Literally hanging out.
I told someone some jokes, y'know? "Fruit Ninja," "barcode legs," "French puppet thigh wrings." And she was like saying that's not cool and stuff. So she reported me, and it was like:
The counselor: "So I've heard you've been making sh jokes?" Me: "You say it like it's a bad thing." Her: "It is." Me: "Chill bro, it ain't that deep. Don't worry I'll end it :)"
What do you get if you cross Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama? A blonde n1gger cunt.
I got these two people in my class we call them Twin Towers, so when I heard about it I threw a paper airplane at them.
What do you call someone who makes a joke about society?
The Joker.
Why did the cheetah get in trouble at school?
Because he cheated on a test.
You're as tall as a giraffe.
Well, that's why you look like a baked bean!
If you're waiting for a waiter at a restaurant, aren't you the waiter?
What do you call a sneaky child molester?
Incogpedo.
Roses are red, violets are blue, but at least a dumptruck isn't as ugly as you.
People have been telling me that you can get things for free now.
The other day I saw a sign saying "FREE PALESTINE."
Why do you not play with a cheetah? Because they cheat!
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 32,” is the reply.
“Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, “I’d guess about 29.” The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I’m 50.”
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”
Again she proudly responds, “I’m 50, but thank you!”
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.”
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay... How old am I?”
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.”
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”
“I was behind you at McDonalds’."
I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.