Aed jokes
I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" The man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon."
Who do you call to clean up foul language?
A cuss-todian!
My dad and cancer go into a fight. I never saw my dad after that.
A husband walks into his house to find his wife watching Gordon Ramsay's F-king cooking show!
Husband: "Stop watching that f-king sh*t! You can't cook to save your life!"
Wife: "So what?! You watch porn, don't you?!"
A woman walks into a library and asks if they have any books about paranoia. The librarian says, "They're right behind you!"
I ate too many temmie flakes... I guess I got a TEMMIE ACHE!!!!
What's the darkest point in the universe?
The inside of a KFC.
My Japanese friend told me a Pearl Harbor joke. I told him he bombed it.
What's the difference between an elephant and a feminist?
The feminist is overweight.
Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Angela Merkel are standing at the shore and are trying to impress each other with the accomplishments of their countries. Putin brags, "We have nuclear submarines which can stay underwater for six weeks without having to resurface!". Trump goes on, "Six weeks? That's nothing. I have the best submarines, they're underwater für at least three months!". Merkel is about to respond, when a giant steel colossus emerges from the sea. A hatch opens, a black uniform appears - "Heil Hitler! We need Diesel."
Break a wine glass: I give you bad luck for a year.
Break a mirror: Funny wine glass, I give you bad luck for 7 years.
Breaking a condom: Haha so funny mirror.
A job is like virginity. Not everyone loses it.
What do you call a digital hamburger? Processed meat.
I'll never forget my brother's last words: "Why is there a revolver in your hand?"
My reverse psychologist told me I didn't have it in me to make a recovery.
What's a car's favorite place to hang out?
A CARnival!
Q: How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Wanna go ride a bike?
Yesterday I went to a lightbulb party, and it was lit.
You'd think my son would be happy that Daddy bought him a new bike. But no... oh no, he just sits in his wheelchair and cries like a little girl.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because they beat the room for being dark, then arrest the room for being broke.