Aed jokes
Hillary Clinton would make a good president.
How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
102, if you have some alive ones.
Last night I had a dream I was swimming in lemonade... turns out I peed the bed.
When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.
My friend had this annoying little kid that always used to yell and scream when he didn't get what he wanted. I told my friend there's a new attraction a few states away he could take him to.
Confused, my friend asked me what it was. I told him, "The Sandy Hook Experience: Where you come in and leave with a 'hole' lot of fun."
What's the difference between the microphone and Bambi?
One is a Welsh idea, the other's a well shy deer.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts,' which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
So I was in the car with my mom one time and we always joke about me being adopted (I am not), and Michael Jackson's song "Billie Jean" sounds like my name, and so my mom says, as the song is playing, "(My name) is not my daughter, she's just a girl who claims that I am her mum." Wow. *applauds for mother* Love you momma =)
What's the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
Refrigerators don't queef when you pull your meat out.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you a lot!
Q: What's the best thing about fucking 28 year olds?
A: There's 20 of them.
What do you do when an orphan takes a family photo?
A selfie.
What do you call an orphan taking a family photo?
A selfie.
What makes a software developer feel rich?
Their cache.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
Two kids walked into a bar. They were covered with blood. The bartender asked what happened.
The youngest said, "Well, we were trying to paint our basement, but we threw the babies too hard!"
Three scientists are doing an experiment. They are trying to find out what happens when you stick a cork in an elephant's ass.
In the lab, they each look at each other and decide that they should hire a monkey to do it. The monkey sticks the cork up the elephant's ass, and the scientists wait three weeks.
The monkey pulls out the cork, and all three scientists go back and discuss what they saw.
The first one, standing one mile away, says all he could see was a wave of brown, then it all went black. The second, standing two miles away, said the same. The third, who was standing three miles away, said all he could see was the other two get consumed by a massive cloud of brown.
When I die, I want to be shot out of a cannon.
And into a children's birthday party.
When you're going 80 mph and hit a speed bump,
Then the speed bump starts screaming.
What is a female gamer's favorite part of the controller?
The joystick.