Aed jokes

Last time I got a piece of ass was when my finger went through the toilet paper.

What are the differences between a preschool and a pedophile's basement? Little kids leave preschool.

What do you call a gay grenade?

A fragette.

I don't like 9/11 jokes because they always talk about how bad of a plane driver my dad is.

What do you call Stephen Hawking on his period?

Mario Kart.

I saw a disabled person in the super market. They were at the vegetable aisle.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg, and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants."

The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts."

What did the cow and bull do for their first date? - Dinner and a Moovie.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are robbing a bank. The police are soon after them, so they hide in a bunch of barrels.

The police arrive and search the area. They come over to the barrel where the brunette is hiding and kicks it. The brunette says, "Woof."

"Oh, it's just a dog," says the police officer, and then kicks the second barrel where the redhead is hidden. The redhead says, "Meow."

"Oh, it's just a cat," says the officer, then kicks the last barrel where the blonde is hidden. The blonde says, "Potato."

A friend of mine chews gum, lays back to yawn, then chokes on the gum. Then I said, "God, what, you choking on dick?"

What's the difference between a happy family and a car guy? Only one has a family.

What's the difference between a homeless person and a car?

Only one gets fuel.

A guy bought an AMG and crashed it. Now he knows how the Mercedes bends.

A guy crashed his Ford SUV. He couldn't escape.

Hey girl, are you a wizard? Because you cast lit in my Final Fantasy!

There were three people on the third floor of a building. The first one took a bite of an apple, then said it was too hard, so he threw it out the window. The second person took a bite of a lemon. He said it was too sour, so he threw it out the window. The third guy was drunk. He took a bite of a grenade and thought it was too crunchy, so he threw it out the window.

Then one of them went downstairs. He saw a dog laying on the ground dead. The apple had hit the dog in the head. Then there was a little girl crying with her cat in her lap. It had died because the lemon fell out the window and hit it in the head. Next, there was an old guy laughing. I asked him why he was laughing. He said, "I farted and the building behind me blew up."

You're walking into a bar and you see 2 younger kids around 18. You call the manager to have them removed, but no one came down.

Later that night, you see the 2 18-year-olds, 1 was a girl and the other was a boy, so you call the manager down. No one came again. You confront them and tell them to leave, but one turns around and hits you. You are knocked out on the floor. When you wake up, there is a hard feeling in your a**. You turn your head around and there is an autistic girl with a strap-on in your a** going full on hard.

Okay, so I ate an apple and it tasted good.

My grandpa said I'm too reliant on technology... so I screamed that he was a hypocrite and I unplugged his life support.

How did Stephen Hawking die?

Someone pulled his ethernet cable (he died of a blue screen)!