Aed jokes
If being ugly was a crime, you would get a life sentence.
I was gonna tell a baby joke, but I had to abort.
911, what's your emergency?
Me: My grandma just passed out in the living room and I think she's dead.
Well, it's not a living room anymore.
Me: Hangs up.
What do orphans do when they get a phone? They press the home button.
I am a dead baby. -end joke-
My pathological cheater of a sister wanted to play a board game with me.
I turned her down because I didn't like the Risk involved.
When you're going to Titanic: It's the best ship in the world.
When you know it's sinking: It's the poor ship!
Q: What’s a good thing about child molesters?
A: They drive slow through school zones.
This is a Cuphead joke.
Why did the clown drive over the cup? Cuz he wanted to CRACK him up!
Q. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? A. Same middle name! 😂
I got a job as a pencil sharpener. I would tell you about it, but you wouldn't get the point.
So, I was sitting with my little brother and talking about our dreams. "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" I asked him. He answered, "A doctor!" I wanted to tease him so I said, "I wouldn't be treated by a doctor like you." I was hoping he would get mad or something, but instead, he calmly replied, "Brother, I said doctor. Not a vet."
Stephen Hawking walked in a bar...
Just kidding.
What's a school shooter's favorite flower?
Columbine.
As a scientist, I confirm that you speak too fast. It has a speed of 1 bullshit per second.
A: What's the similarity between your girlfriend and the sun?
B: They're both hot?
A: They're both massive.
Q: What's the similarity between a dog and a bed?
A: I can jump on my bed. A: And I use a pillow on both of them.
A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.
On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."
On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.
Why does a heterosexual man swallow the sperm of another man after he has given him a brojob?
Because of the cream filling inside, just like the individually wrapped cakes of Hostess Twinkies.
How much of a homophobic heterosexual man are you? I'm so homophobic I won't suck a big dick that has ketchup on it.