Actuality jokes

Dad

    • One day my pet barked at me and so I got scared and was my dad actually. It was weird, you should’ve saw him and so the day goes on because he likes to run around the house that he likes to do it out 😂😂😂😂😱

    Crime

    • What's the difference between what Bill Cosby did and what OJ Simpson did? OJ Simpson's victims actually suffered and I actually feel bad for them (the boyfriend at least).

  • 1

    • Short jokes

    • All right, I know one joke. Um, there's a mollusk, see? And he walks up to a sea...

    Well, he doesn't walk up, he swims up.

    Well, actually, the mollusk isn't moving, he's in one place.

    And then the sea cucumber, well, they... I mixed up.

    There was a mollusk and a sea cucumber. None of them were walking, so forget that...

    There was this mollusk and he walks up to a sea cucumber. Normally they don't talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke, everyone talks.

    So just then, the sea cucumber looks over to the mollusk and says, "With fronds like these, who needs anemones?"

  • 0
    • Actuality memes

    Shit

    • Holy fucking shit, Addison, watersharky, Gwen, and all of you other cringelords, I swear to God if I hear one more thing about "please be kind, no bullying on the internet," I will actually shoot my local school.

    You may not know, since you are only 8 years old or whatever, but the world is not kind. It’s full of sick people out to beat others, and the only way to stay safe is to beat them. So even if you think you are spreading kindness, it’s just gonna make you a target. So just stfu and keep your "please be kind" messages to yourselves.

  • 4

    • Bathroom scale

    • - Got myself a bathroom scale so now I know exactly how much I poop.

    - Right. So you weigh yourself before and after you poop and calculate the difference? That’s cool.

    - Oh...that might actually be even easier.

  • 0

    • Life

    • Christopher Walkin: "This is a literal universal remote! It actually controls your life! You can pause, you can rewi-"

    Me: power button.

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    • Fight

    • Max Heart and his gay cousin Nickals Amoto say I back out of a fight. When he said let's fight, then last minute he said he doesn't want to, then says I chickened out. I [was] ready to fight, but his gut [was] swollen [and] his arms [were]. He actually looks like Humpty Dumpty, but [I] just wanted to say he backed out + Max and Nickals are both gay with each other.

  • 2

    • Child

    • Did you know penguins can actually fly if thrown hard enough... Just like children.

  • 1

    • Family

    • Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"

    Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter."

    Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Tina is actually your sister."

    The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

    Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again, and she is even hotter!"

    Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"

    Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."

    Father: "Ohhhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."

    This went on a couple of times, and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

    Son: "Mum, I am so mad at Dad! I fell in love with six girls, but I can't date any of them because Daddy is their father!"

    The mother hugs him affectionately and says:

    "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father!"

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    • Orphan

    • What's the difference between apples and orphans? Apples actually get picked.

    I made a website for orphans, but sadly it didn't have a home page.

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    • Concert

    • [concert] SINGER: How's everyone doin' tonight? CROWD: Woo! ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): It's actually been a tough few months.