Lemme just say one thing:
Depression is not funny. Two of my best friends have it, and it's actually quite hard to watch them suffer with it. They cry all the time, they get upset all the time, they either have wanted to or still do want to kill themselves. It's really not funny to joke about depression.
What’s the difference between a loser and a paper?
A girl actually dates the paper.
There are 4 people on a plane while it's crashing and there are only 3 parachutes. There's Opera, Obama, a little girl, and Trump. Opera grabs a parachute and says, "I'm famous, I get one!" And Trump grabs one and says, "Well, I'm president, of course I get one!" Obama looks at the little girl and says, "Since you're the future of our generation, take the last one." The little girl hugs Obama and says, "Actually, we can both have one. Trump took my backpack!"
I wrote a song about tortillas... Actually, it's more of a wrap.
What do you get when a dog that is actually a Weeto is caught in an earthquake?
Just like a chocolate milkshake, only crunchy!
What did the piggy bank say to his piggy friend?
"Ain't you got no cents?"
Piggy: "Actually, no. Just pork."
What part in the body does an adult not need but actually needs to live?
A KIDNey!
Kids, next time you have school dinners, make sure you have something you actually like so you don't have to shove all your food over to one side of the plate to make it look like you've eaten more than you actually have.
So.. err actually, don’t worry. I was gonna make a joke about dead babies, but I had to abort.
Little boy: Momma?
Mom: Yes, my dear.
Little boy: One day I wanna work in McDonald's.
Mom: Why!?
Little boy: Just to see if their ice cream machine is actually broken.
Why are adopted kids better than bio kids? Because their parents actually wanted them.
I have a joke about lazy people!
Actually... forget it... it won't work.
Why is an orphan bad at hide-and-seek?
Because nobody will actually look for them.
What’s the difference between apples and orphans? Apples actually get picked.
What is the difference between an adopted kid and an orphan?
If you're adopted, you're actually wanted.
What is the difference between E.T. and an orphan?
E.T. can actually call home.
Why is a boomerang an orphan's favorite toy? Because it actually comes back.
Why do orphans love foster homes?
Because they actually have a home.
My life, but wait, jokes actually have meaning.
What’s the difference between a police man and a bullet?
At least when a bullet kills someone, it’s actually fired.
