Actuality jokes

Me: What has two legs and bleeds?

Friend: Um, women? Obviously?

Me: Actually, half a dog. So you're still right.

President Chumples memorialised Charlie Kirk by saying, "He had a real shot at being president."

That's not a joke. The fat fuck actually said that after pan face got shot.

Is someone who is tardy again actually "retardy"?

"(My beard actually connects.)" "Like the connection you never had with your father."

Yo mama is so STUPID, she thought the Rams football team were actual RAMS.

The QUEEN is JACK! KING off the JOKER!

I know what you're thinking, pervert. Actually, the joke's about a jester in drag. OK, I’m joking, the Queen cheated on the King with the Jester.

Children and your meat are actually quite similar.

At first you seem weirded out by spanking it, but later on you start to enjoy it.

Why is the white man in prison scarier than the black one?

The white one actually did it!

Did you know you don't actually wash your hands?

They wash each other while you stand there looking at them like a creep.

What's the difference between an orphan and a pencil?

People actually have a use for one of them.

What's the difference between an orphan and a dog?

One of them is actually loved.

Your dad went to get the milk, but he was actually trying to find his father. He wasn't there.

Wanna know why the plane actually crashed?

Someone turned off flight mode.

(Or a kid just turned on airplane mode.)

Why do orphans like being criminals?

Because then someone actually wants them.

What is the difference between an orphan and a non-orphan? You can slap the orphan, but not the non-orphan because they can actually tell their parents.

What is the difference between apples and orphans?

Apples actually get picked.

What's an orphan's favorite toy?

A boomerang because it actually came back.

Why was an orphan loving school?

Because the people actually came back.

We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.

But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.

A student asked a teacher, "How do you pronounce this word? It's spelled A-L-L-I-E-D."

The teacher was about to answer, but then the student said, "Actually, I know how to pronounce it. I lied!" (allied)