Actuality jokes

Isn't it ironic that the actually nice people tend to be suicidal?

Think about it: suicide exists to make sure bad people bother each other instead.

President Chumples memorialised Charlie Kirk by saying, "He had a real shot at being president."

That's not a joke. The fat fuck actually said that after pan face got shot.

What's the difference between friends and family?

One is actually real.

What's the difference between a casino and a church?

You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.

"(My beard actually connects.)" "Like the connection you never had with your father."

Did you know you don't actually wash your hands?

They wash each other while you stand there looking at them like a creep.

Why is the white man in prison scarier than the black one?

The white one actually did it!

What is the difference between an orphan and a non-orphan? You can slap the orphan, but not the non-orphan because they can actually tell their parents.

Your dad went to get the milk, but he was actually trying to find his father. He wasn't there.

What's the difference between an orphan and a dog?

One of them is actually loved.

We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.

But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.

Why was an orphan loving school?

Because the people actually came back.

What's the difference between an orphan and a pencil?

People actually have a use for one of them.

Why do orphans like being criminals?

Because then someone actually wants them.

Wanna know why the plane actually crashed?

Someone turned off flight mode.

(Or a kid just turned on airplane mode.)

A student asked a teacher, "How do you pronounce this word? It's spelled A-L-L-I-E-D."

The teacher was about to answer, but then the student said, "Actually, I know how to pronounce it. I lied!" (allied)

Children and your meat are actually quite similar.

At first you seem weirded out by spanking it, but later on you start to enjoy it.

What is the difference between apples and orphans?

Apples actually get picked.

What's an orphan's favorite toy?

A boomerang because it actually came back.

The patient said, "When will this be over?"

The doctor said, "After you die."

The patient says, "Was that a morbid joke?"

The doctor says, "Well, um, actually, you'll die because we broke the needles and the cure."

The patient says, "Well, it's a bright day, maybe if you weren't clumsy!"