What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?
Stephen Hawking during a house fire.
Why did the depressed kid cross the road?
To get hit by a car.
Why did little Susie fall off the swing?
Because she has no arms or legs.
Knock knock.
"Who's there?"
Not Susie.
I pushed the kid in a wheelchair into fire... I called him "HOT WHEELS".
Me: *gets down on one knee*
Girlfriend: OMG, it's finally happening!
Me: *falls over*
Girlfriend: The poison is kicking in.
A cement mixer has collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.
A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll fuck you for $10." The boy says, “I would, but I don't have any money.” She says, “Ok, I'll take the duck instead.” He says ok, so they go upstairs and fuck.
The prostitute says, “That’s the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back and we can do it again.” So they do and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $25 for a fucked up fuck.
What's the point of hiding the screaming speed bump you ran over? You might as well hit it again to A: Stop the screaming. B: Make it look like an actual speed bump. And C... You think it's hilarious the noise it makes when you ran over its stomach.
I ran over my neighbor's cat last night, and I just want to say... that thing was fast! I had to run a red light to get it!
So there's a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says, "Step on a crack and you break your mother's back." The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother's back breaking.
The little girl's father looks in terror, she then says, "Step on a line and you break your father's spine." The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out "OW MY SPINE!" The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.
I would tell jokes about Kobe, but they would just crash and burn.
A father and three sons are renovating a house when a wall of that house collapses and breaks the father's back. Keeping calm, he tells the sons, "Well, I guess this is what you would call back-breaking labor." He chuckled, then passed out from pain.
Three men walk into a bar... you would have thought the last one would have ducked.
So Paul Walker made a rap cover. It is called "Straight Out of Windshield."
I walked up to a man, and he said, "How's the weather up there?" and then I pushed him into the street to get hit by a bus.
I still remember my grandpa's last words, "Stop wobbling the ladder, you cunt!"
What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both are easy to lay. Both costly and time-consuming to get rid of.
What did Saint Peter say to Diana when she got to the pearly gates? "Wipe that Merc off your face."
What’s the best way to get a baby out of a blender? Tortilla Chips.
What's got 6 legs, 3 arms, and 3 heads?
The finish line at the Boston marathon.
Why did Timmy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.
