Accident jokes

Me: *gets down on one knee*

Girlfriend: OMG, it's finally happening!

Me: *falls over*

Girlfriend: The poison is kicking in.

I pushed the kid in a wheelchair into fire... I called him "HOT WHEELS".

Why did the depressed kid cross the road?

To get hit by a car.

A cement mixer has collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.

Why did little Susie fall off the swing?

Because she has no arms or legs.

Knock knock.

"Who's there?"

Not Susie.

Today was the worst day ever! My brother got run over, and I lost my driver's license!

A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll fuck you for $10." The boy says, “I would, but I don't have any money.” She says, “Ok, I'll take the duck instead.” He says ok, so they go upstairs and fuck.

The prostitute says, “That’s the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back and we can do it again.” So they do and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $25 for a fucked up fuck.

What's the point of hiding the screaming speed bump you ran over? You might as well hit it again to A: Stop the screaming. B: Make it look like an actual speed bump. And C... You think it's hilarious the noise it makes when you ran over its stomach.

I would tell jokes about Kobe, but they would just crash and burn.

I walked up to a man, and he said, "How's the weather up there?" and then I pushed him into the street to get hit by a bus.

I ran over my neighbor's cat last night, and I just want to say... that thing was fast! I had to run a red light to get it!

So Paul Walker made a rap cover. It is called "Straight Out of Windshield."

What’s similar between the twin towers and Kobe Bryant?

They both can crash down.

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words: "STOP SHAKING THE LADDER, YOU LITTLE CUNT!"

So there's a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says, "Step on a crack and you break your mother's back." The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother's back breaking.

The little girl's father looks in terror, she then says, "Step on a line and you break your father's spine." The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out "OW MY SPINE!" The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.

A father and three sons are renovating a house when a wall of that house collapses and breaks the father's back. Keeping calm, he tells the sons, "Well, I guess this is what you would call back-breaking labor." He chuckled, then passed out from pain.

The twin towers are like water bottles.

It's all right if you knock them down as long as you pick up the mess.

Three men walk into a bar... you would have thought the last one would have ducked.

What's the difference in Japanese Kamikaze and 9/11?

There is none, they both go up in flames.

I still remember my grandpa's last words, "Stop wobbling the ladder, you cunt!"