Worst Jokes Ever
What's the difference between Princess Diana and Thomas the Tank Engine?
Thomas came out the other end of the tunnel.
There are 4 people on a plane while it's crashing and there are only 3 parachutes. There's Opera, Obama, a little girl, and Trump. Opera grabs a parachute and says, "I'm famous, I get one!" And Trump grabs one and says, "Well, I'm president, of course I get one!" Obama looks at the little girl and says, "Since you're the future of our generation, take the last one." The little girl hugs Obama and says, "Actually, we can both have one. Trump took my backpack!"
You can't be a loser if you have nothing to lose.
What do you call a whore with a runny nose?
...Full!
When Steven Hawking realizes heaven is only a stairway away.
A Mexican runs into a wall, what hits first?
His lawnmower.
How does a paedophile know if he's good at sex?
It'll forever be a mystery because the victims [are] too young to scream his name.
There was a cowboy riding in a desert when he saw a little girl up ahead. He heard her crying, so he went up to her and climbed down from his horse and asked her: "Hey, what's going on? Why do you cry? Where are your parents? What happened?"
The girl said in a crying, sad voice, "The Indians came, killed my father and my mother, and raped my sister."
The cowboy just laughed, unlocked his belt, and pulled his trousers down and said, "Guess it isn't your day, is it?"
What is the difference between Stephen Hawking and a walkie-talkie? He doesn't walkie or talkie.
My family chastises me for MY job, but you should hear how my family provides "customer service" at their jobs. My mother works as a social worker and answers the phone like, "DYFS, you beat em, we treat em." My grandmother is a Medical Examiner and she answers the phone like, "City Morgue, you kill em, we chill em." These bitches have no class! I'm an actress and studio secretary. When you call the studio, I answer the phone professionally like, "Good afternoon. IHOP, International House Of Pussy. Creampie Cassie speaking."
What do you call a prostitute with no arms or legs?
Cash and carry.
Are you suicide, 'cause you're always on my mind?
See, morbid humor is just like water, not everyone gets it.
A hot girl wants to commit suicide and jump from a bridge when an ugly, smelly, homeless weirdo walks up to her. And he says, "Hey you hot babe, let's fuck." She just answers, "Get the fuck away you ugly bastard." The guy just laughs and says, "Alright, I'll wait down there."
What do sheep wear to the beach?
A baa-kini.
What is long and not hairy?
The conga line in the cancer department.
What’s the difference between football and rape?
Women don’t like football.
I wish I could say that my life is a joke, but I can't because jokes have a meaning.
What do you get when you cross a clergyman and a politician?
A panhandler.
What’s loud, red and goes at 200mph?
Paul Walker’s Porsche.