Worst Jokes Ever

I would name my daughter Awesome so I can tell people that I'm fucking awesome.

I like my women like I like my wine, twelve years old, in the basement, and locked up.

How did they know that Princess Diana had dandruff?

They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment...

Man, abortion jokes just don't get old, do they?

In fact, they don't age at all.

How to know if your wife is dead? Well, the sex is still trash, but the dishes really start to pile up.

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

What do you call a private nun?

Nun-o-yo-business.

Crucifixion - only one guy who nailed it... at least Jesus didn't get screwed over, but I bet he was pretty cross about being forced to hang around.

Why did the kid with Down syndrome get expelled?

He was always tardy.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Read the title.

Stephen Hawking went on a date and came back with a broken leg. I can't believe she stood him up.

What food does a cheetah eat?

Fast food.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lick-a-lot-of-puss!

Once there was this Whichdoctor. He walked barefoot most of the time, which gave him impressive calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, and the food gave him bad breath, which made him (wait for it) a Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed By Halitosis.

I know you don’t like rape jokes, but I’m gonna force one on you anyway.

Joke.

What is the first thing the disabled download on iTunes?

"They see me rolling, they hatin'."

I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

Why are Muslims terrible at football?

Because every time they have a corner, they build a shop.

What do you call a fat Chinese man?

A double chinkey.