Worst Jokes Ever
How did the security guard at the orchid get better at his job? He got an Apple Watch.
Where do sex addicts go when they need to talk? Hoe-and-Tell.
Me: The man sleeped in a $200 bed in His hole life so why dose he need a $2,000 coffin?
My friend: They're cheaper at Costco.
Me: Oh shit, you're going to have "fun" this weekend.
Why don't gay Greek men in Greece perform anilingus on each other?
Because anilingus between two gay men is against the law in Greece.
My grandfather tells me I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
The other day a squirrel asked me for a job. I asked him, "What jobs did you have previously?"
Calmly he answered, "I am a pilot. I can pick it up from here and pile it over there. I also can fly a sign!"
"Too bad, this is a nut cannery, and we're 100% automated. We don't need anyone at this time, sorry."
"No worries, I'm totally nuts anyway. Guess I'll fly a sign across town, don't have bus fare!"
How many squirrels does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but how they got in there's the real mystery!
Hi, how are you? Busy doing today? Did I have to text more today after dinner? I did text, and you have been to the vet and walk walk home from home and walk walk home 🏠. Night is so nice 👍. I did not walk away, but you don’t want me to text me to let you know when I get home, can you walk?
I did a walk today, but I did have a good day. Tomorrow night, I...
Hi, how are you? Busy doing right? I just texted me and my dad and walk home from home and walk home and walk walk home.
I love my dog and all dogs.
Your forehead is so big, I thought you were Megamind for a second there.
Why are mountains 🏔 so funny? Because they’re hill areas, do you get it? They are hill areas, like a mountain is a hill area. It sounds like hilarious, so you get it.
Why can’t orphans eat a big bag of chips?
They are family sized.
What's the difference between sleeping pills and my beating my meat?
Sleeping pills actually come with a prescription.
What do you call cheese that's not yours?
Nacho cheese!
While writing my suicide note, I got a paper cut... it’s a start.
Why did the MOSFET go to jail?
It had a charge for battery.
Adopted kid:
Hey, Alex, what are you doing?
Alex:
Nothing, just playing my game. Anyways, you know you can call me "dad."
Adopted kid:
OK, dad Alex.
Alex:
Oh, come on! My game! I’m winning. Let’s go!
Adopted kid:
I’m so glad I have a mom.
Do you like Wendy's when these nuts hit your face?