Yours jokes
What's the difference between your mom and a fat female cow...
A female cow doesn't have a dick.
Me when my girlfriend comes home, I check her phone and there are 100 texts from a different guy asking her out, and her text says yes.
Get the whip, you're out!
I was listening to my children praying, and my youngest that can speak said to me: "Mama, why is Gramma dead?"
I smiled and told her, "Well, less than 10 years ago when I was 5, your age, my Momma took me into the basement with some hot rando during a party. And 9 months later Shinana was born. One Pedo after another and your 4 siblings were born. The Pedo I met last night told me, 'If your mother's the one making you do this, do what you do best.' I listened and the next day she didn't leave her bed breathing. When the Pedo found out he left me and your soon to be brother."
She replies with, "Make his child support expensive!" Now he has to pay me 2,000 U.S. dollars every month, like the other ones that ran away.
Teacher: I was an orphan once.
Student: Oof.
Teacher: Who are we missing?
Student: Your parents.
What do you call a guy at your doorstep with no arms or legs? Matt.
They say people can have a sharp mind. Yours is like a dull knitting needle.
The last time your hairline connected was when George Washington was born.
Kid: Which were me, are your parents?
Orphan: What are parents?
This year the London marathon was run on your hairline. It was so far back no one could complete it!
Teacher: Where's your homework?
Student: At home...
Teacher: What's it doing there?
Student: Having a better time than me.
Mom: I saw John Cena at WWE.
Son: No way, you can’t see him though.
Mom: God!
Son: What?
Mom: You watch too much reality TV (comes to smack butt).
Son: Also because I’m John Cena.
Mom: Where, where’d ya go?
John Cena: Hey, Mom.
Mom: I’m only 31, you’re 42.
A man was forced off the Eiffel Tower, but he flew back up.
The executioners asked, "How'd you do that?"
He said, "I had magic chips. Here, take some."
They eat them, jump off, and die.
He asks for more chips, and the guy says, "You're a real a**hole when you're drunk, Superman!"
A man walks up to a priest. The man says, "I am Jesus Christ." The priest says, "No, you are not my son." The man says, "Follow me." The man walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Jesus Christ, you're back!"
Q: What's the best part about gardening?
A: Getting down and dirty with your hoes.
Roses are red, Burnt bodies are black.
You'd look great With a knife in your back.
Did your dad ever tell you he was going to get milk... But then never came back lol? 😅
I know 5 fat people; you're 4 of them.
Did you know you don't actually wash your hands?
They wash each other while you stand there looking at them like a creep.
Your hairline's less straight than my dad's.
I fucked your mom, oh wait, you don't have one.