You're jokes
Just before lockdown began, a woman took her 15-year-old son Tom, and 14, 16, and 18-year-old daughters Sally, Mary, and Annie and went to the family cabin in the mountains to wait it out, while her husband stayed in town as an essential worker.
The weekly family Zoom call went well enough...until the 8th week when the father noticed the 14-year-old was looking a little...plump. By the 20th week, the 16-year-old’s shirt was starting to pull taut over her tummy, by the 25th the curve of the 18-year-old’s belly was rising over the edge of the table her laptop was perched on, and by the 30th week his wife and all 3 girls were very obviously 6 months pregnant, and the poor 14-year-old was so huge she was obviously having triplets.
So the father waited until he’d talked to his son and daughters, and asked if he could talk to his wife alone.
“Look, I know you and the girls are all pregnant. I’m not mad, I just want to know how it happened. We don’t have any neighbors up at the cabin, did you break quarantine and invite some hikers in, or go into town for supplies?”
She started crying. "No, Tommy's the father! I'm so sorry, I never meant for it to happen, but it's been so lonely here without you....I walked in on him jerking off and just couldn't help myself! And Annie's been missing her boyfriend at college, and it....it just sort of got out of hand."
"It's okay sweetheart, I forgive you. You've been isolated for months, up there."
She wiped her tears away. "I can't believe how understanding you're being about this. When we get home I'm making you the best steak and lobster you ever had! I know you aren't eating well, I was looking at the bills on Amazon Prime and saw you ordered a 45-pound pail of peanut butter!"
He looked down under the camera line, under his desk. He wasn't wearing pants, and the family dog was still licking his dick. "These things happen."
Your mama is such a hoe! It took her 4 attempts to pass her driving test. She couldn't get used to the front seat.
Your leg is straighter than James Charles.
Son, you are not precious, so pack your bags because someone else is going to adopt you.
Dad, what do you mean someone else will adopt me?
Son, you're adopted!
My child: "Dad, am I beautiful?"
Me: "You’re like the sun, sweetie. You’re painful to look at."
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.
A brother and a sister always kept fighting. One day the brother said, "You're adopted!"
Then the sister replies, "At least they wanted me!"
The brother yells back, "Well, at first, when they didn't know you'd turn out like this."
You're so fat, no one was laughing, but the floor was cracking!
You're sponsoring eBay with your hairline.
Dad: "I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage."
Kid: "Why are you doing that?"
Dad: "So you won't get bored there."
You’re so ugly, I can see why your dad left now.
There's an old lady doing gardening every year. Nothing grows. She goes to the man who lives next door. She says, "How do you get your tomatoes so big and red?" He tells her, "You show them your privates at night time." So she leaves. That night later, she goes outside and shows the garden her privates. The next day she's got zucchinis a meter long!
Police officers hope you’re a criminal.
Doctors hope you get sick.
Mechanics hope you get car troubles.
But only thieves wish you prosperity.
Weird?
Girl, you are so ugly that when you look in the mirror, it shatters, more than your relationship.
Bank owner: If you want to start a bank account, I need your name.
Guy: Robin
Bank owner: Your last name?
Guy: Debank
Bank owner: Robin Debank?
Guy: Put your hands up and give me all the money!
What can run, be an eyesore, and practice social distancing?
Your hairline.
B b b b bird bird bird, the bird banged your mom!
Your forehead is so big we could fit the whole alphabet on there.
When your crush walks in class, but you're homeschooled...
What came before the dinosaurs?
Your hairline, because it's so far back!