You're jokes
How to complement a depressed person: "I like your cuts, g."
Nobody notices your pain, tears, struggles, but why do they notice your mistakes?
Imagine working at the World Trade Center, only for Osama bin Laden to call and ask if he could crash at your place.
I was working in an iPhone store in Norwich when a man came! He said, "Give me a hat-trick or I will destroy your store!" I said, "No," and he started to smash phones! I immediately screamed, "Important game!" and he disappeared! Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my store! 😡😡
What do you do when you get locked outside your house? You talk to the lock, because communication is key.
You're so scary that even your hairline ran away.
Yo momma is so fat, when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight, not your phone number."
Kid: Are you gay?
Me: No, I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on.
Your mom is a slow comedian. It took her 9 months to make a good joke.
The worst part about church is that you're constantly switching between sitting, standing, and kneeling. I mean, why can't the priest just pick a position and f**k me already!
Your hairline's so far back that five hour energy became a five day depression.
Your hairline goes all the way back to when Burger King was a Burger Prince.
What do you get when you cross a panhandler, a politician, a lobbyist, a prostitute, a sodomite, and a Jehovah's Witness knocking on your door at your house to convert you to their religion?
You find some dust on the ground. Your friends dare you to snort it... Then you realize you're in a crematorium.
An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.
"I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."
Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.
The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.
The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".
A Catholic priest finds a young boy crying at the top of a cliff.
“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
The boy points down. “Mummy and Daddy were in the car and it went over the edge.”
The priest can see the flaming wreck below. He looks around and sees no one else is about and starts to unbutton his belt.
“It’s really not your day, is it?”
There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station while Manners tried to help Shit.
When Shut up got to the police station he says, "My brother has just been hit by a car."
The policeman replied with, "OK then, first I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"No, I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"Excuse me, but where are your manners?"
"Round the corner picking up shit."
Q: How do you know when an Asian broke into your house?
A: You can't find your dog.
My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day:
Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.
I was watching the local chief police in America, he said, "We will never forget 911." I thought, "I should hope not, it's your phone number."