You're

You're jokes

Ah, son of a bitch, I got the truth stuck on my shoe?!?!

The truth: Breast feeding is like having long sex with your baby. God dammit, I hate the truth!

Ninety percent of your beauty can be removed with a Kleenex.

Oh, were you talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.

Hold still, I am trying to imagine you with a personality.

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    • 1. If being ugly was a crime, you would have a life sentence.

    2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships.

    3. There is a tree out there giving you oxygen, and you owe that tree an apology.

    4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.

    5. When I saw your dad on the sidewalk, I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

    6. If I had powers, I would make you the dumbest person alive, but it seems life already beat me to the punch.

    7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it.

    8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.

    9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting.

    10. Were you born on a highway, 'cause that’s where most accidents happen?

    11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya.

    12. You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented.

  • 1

    • You're so ugly that everytime you look up in the sky, God says, "Sorry, can't help you."

    You're so ugly that every time you look up in the sky, God says, "Sorry, can't help you."

    You're so dumb that every time you use the bathroom, you use your shoe to wipe your ass.

    I remember I met an orphan. He asked, "Can I suck your thumb?" I said, "Why?" Because "that'd be pig."

    Mrs. Kadie, I heard about this Mr. Beast video about veggie burgers. I hope that you didn't trick me again.

    Mr. Beast: Today we're gonna be eating a hot tender burger.

    Mrs. Kadie: OMG he didn't say vegan!

    Viewers: HAHAHA we tricked you!

    Mrs. Kadie: That's it Mr. Beast, we're gonna pour blood on your face!

    Mr. Beast & Chandler: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!1!

    Why do your orphans not drink beer?

    Because last time they did, he went to suck some dudes' toes, then he tried to take him to his parents, but I guess that never happened.

    Why didn't the orphan do the work?

    Because when the teacher says they would call your mum or dad, there's nobody to call.

    A teacher was teaching her second-grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and asked him what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, “Look at it this way: I’m the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the workforce, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.” “I still don’t get it,” responded Little Johnny. “Why don’t you sleep on it then? Maybe you’ll understand it better,” said the dad. “Okay then...good night,” said Little Johnny and went off to bed.

    In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother’s crying. He went to his baby brother’s crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent’s room to get help. When he got to his parent’s bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole, he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn’t there. So he went to the maid’s room. When he looked through the maid’s room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, “OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the workforce, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!”

    My friend that used to be married was making jokes about me being short. Then I told him, "Your marriage was so short it made me look like Shaquille O'Neal."